Hustler

Wow, so many things come to mind when I think hustler. Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman were not high up there. However, Midnight Cowboy, the popular movie from the 70s, has opened many doors. Jon Voight plays Joe Buck, strapping, blonde cowboy just arrived in New York City. Dustin Hoffman is Rico "Ratzo" Rizo, a crippled crook with a mean cough and clearly a sweating problem. They are an unlikely duo. I should also mention here that Jon Voight plays the hustler.

Up until today, I had assumed hustlers to be heartless and perhaps unscrupulous. Jon Voight has shown me the light. His brand of hustler is actually quite bad at the hustling part, and often ends up getting hustled by his hustlee. Quite the conundrum. I will not give away the ending. You should see Midnight Cowboy for yourself.

I think it no small coincidence I saw this provocative movie about hustlers. There is suspicion in The Office of Me that we may be the victim of a hustle. Further investigation is necessary. I will keep you posted.

My point being: Trust no one. Everyone likes to hustle, whether they admit it or not. Some people even like The Hustle, the popular dance -- these people should be quarrantined. Suspect everyone. This is not paranoia or paranormal. Beware of the sexy hustle. Be ware. That is all.

By request

I present to you NEUTICLES: It's like nothing ever changed.

Imagine your predicament when faced with the question "to neuter or not to neuter." You can't exactly conference in your pet for his/her opinion, but these are big decisions, not to take lightly.

How will Rufus feel without his junk? Will Sparky be less of a dog? Will I be less of a dogowner with a dog with no junk? Will Karl Marx be humiliated in the dog park during the sniffing scenes? How will Sandwiches react to the backdoor hump? Will Pencil become depressed, despondent, lose interest in cool dog things like dirty socks, tennis balls, and crotches?

If these are the burning questions on your mind, burn no more! NEUTICLES is the answer. Testicular implantation for pets. There's a video and everything so you know it's legit. These implants are as natural as nature intended. That's what the web says and I believe it. If you need further confirmation, here are some testimonials from pet owners:

"I've put off neutering "Crooked Joe" for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen't know he's missing anything."

"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one."

"Baby Snow has all the benefits of being neutered-Neuticles are just a whole lot nicer."

"Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he's been neutered with Neuticles."

I know what you're thinking. The hell Crooked Joe, Baby Snow, Frodo, and Guy don't know they're missing some junk. THEY KNOW. Your attempt to perpetrate this lie upon Crooked Joe, Baby Snow, Frodo, and Guy is futile. I will not be taken in by your fancy website NEUTICLES. I don't care how attractive that graph paper background is.

Now look, I'm all for neutering. But implantation, well, I reject it. That's right, puppies. I reject your NEUTICLES. I further reject them because Rush Limbaugh is quoted on the site: "Neuticles are just plain neat."

If you must investigate for yourself, be sure to check out the size and price chart. A large pair are going to set you back a buck and a quarter. XXL run close to a grand. You decide how much Lucky's junk is worth.

You're welcome.

Konichiwa

Uncool Hunter dropped this gem in my inbox this morning. Those kooky Japanese are at it again! Apparently there are a lot of Japanese single women, and this ingenius man-arm pillow is the answer to all their lascivious dreams. Note the large, puffy hand. And the soft blue pajama sleeve. I feel comforted just looking at it. Coveting it really. Just goes to show, you can't keep a good Japanese woman down.

Emergency Broadcast

I thought I'd update you on the results of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, which I just googled seconds ago.

Miss Colorado won. Miss Jersey was first runner-up. Do I know how to pick them or what? Personally I think Miss Jersey was robbed. It probably has something to do with her being a redhead. (As I write this Rick James' "Superfreak" is playing on the radio. Coincidence?)

Miss Jersey could totally take Miss Colorado downtown to Chinatown. Miss Colorado wouldn't even know what figuratively hit her as she was taken downtown to Chinatown by Miss Jersey.

Needless to say, I am disappointed. I will be drafting a letter to the "judges" of Miss Teen USA, who included: Melissa Joan Hart, Joey Lawrence, some skater kid named Ryan who looked very uncomfortable, and some other people I didn't care about.

This concludes this emergency broadcast. Carry on.

[hoj*poj]

I just watched the shit out of the first 30 minutes of Miss Teen USA. Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell Fame is hosting. Teens look a lot different than when I was one. These girls could easily pick up work at Hooters if this Miss Teen USA thing doesn't work out. (By the way, Hooters is the third least Tivo skipped commercial ever. Coincidence?)

Anyway, I'm rooting for Miss New Jersey, even though I'm no longer engaged in Miss Teen USA. She's pretty, even though she's a redhead and I'm afraid of redheads. (By the way, redheads are an endangered species. The gene is dying out. That's science!) They really should just shorten Miss New Jersey to Miss Jersey. New Jersey as a state rolls like that. Abbreviate it up in here. Holla.

I promised a hodgepodge and I aim to deliver.

(It's hard to find good potpourri these days.)

When I am underslept, I straddle the fine line between useless and brilliant. I am in fact underslept. . . and yet still brilliant. You are welcome.

Garlic powder leaves a gnarly aftertaste in your mouth. Down with garlic powder.

I like horns. I've said this before. It's no surprise to anyone.

I've said bacon is The Great Equalizer. I add: Oysters are The Great Equalizer. They may in fact have the power to unite nations, eradicate evil, make love-not war, perform awesome horn solos. The power of the oyster remains untapped.

There is in fact a Hodgepodge Society that aims to change the shape of human history. I'm hoping by "change the shape" that human history is going to get all jacked up, like ready for the gun show or something. And by gun show, I mean muscle-y. Rad.

I may have passed by my opportunity to sleep so I'm going to leave you with the aforementioned hodge of podge. Feel free to add your own signature hodge to my podge. I'm feeling generous like that.

Rock.

Talk is cheap.

The above awesome video confirms my suspicions:

-- Talk is cheap.

-- The listener isn't listening anyway.

-- You're probably talking too much and boring the pants off everyone.

-- Making out solves all problems.

I endorse making out on any and all occasions. Some may call it my signature move. Watch "The Listening Man" video above by the British band The Bees and you will unlock the mysteries of the universe.

You are very welcome.

For the greater good

I submit the following for your own personal enrichment:

TOOTSIE ESSAY CONTEST: WHY I LOVE TOOTSIE ROLLS

Write an essay. Enter to win a year of Tootsie Rolls. Can you think of a sweeter deal?

No, you cannot.

You should try to win this awesome prize of 27lbs of chocolate-like goodness. Try now because once I enter you have zero chance, which is considerably less chance than you have now. Go.

Baronness von Penny

The above is the view from the open-air cockpit biplane that I flew in today over the Hudson Valley. It is as cool as it sounds. And now cooler because I did it.

You can actually fly in one of these four-seater planes with your pilot in back for a mere $50. It was the best $50 I've ever spent. You will be asked to wear the appropriate headgear and goggles and believe me it is worth it.





This was my plane. The Natural. Those are the old folks who flew before us. They had a seven-year-old too but she chickened out at the last minute. See you lata, sucka!

I can't begin to describe the exhilaration of taking off, cruising in the air, and then landing in one of these contraptions. They feel like toy planes. They asked us to keep our arms in at all times. They asked us to not touch the fuel gauge or step on the wing. They asked us to obey our pilot when in distress. They are not the boss of me, but I cut them some slack this time.

In conclusion, I will now respond to Baronness when called. Flying is awesome. Don't be too jealous. Scratch that -- you should be very very jealous.

Word.

As Seen on TV

I was watching some teevee this morning when I happened upon the following infommercial:

HIP HOP ABS WITH SEAN T.

Let's be clear on a few things before I launch into an endorsement of aforementioned infommercial.

-- I love infommercials.

-- Infommercial actors should win awards. Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep could learn a thing or two from these masters of craft.

-- No one is more ebullient or excited about the simplest things than the "real people" in infommercials.

-- Without infommercials, we may have never experienced the joys of Gintsu Knives, Ron Popeil's Pasta Maker and Rotisserie, OxyClean, TaeBo, The Gold Kit, etc.

-- Infommercials make life worth living.

Now that we're all on the same page. . . back to HIP HOP ABS. I think it's no small coincidence that I just mentioned how I wanted to go Jennifer Beales on someone and then I randomly click on HIP HOP ABS. The universe is always in my favor.

Sean T. the very cut instructor from HIP HOP ABS has a simple mantra:

Tilt. Tuck. Tighten.

Do you feel that? Sean T. will ask you this question repeatedly as he shows you how to dance your way to flat abs with such signature moves as the "Get Busy!" Not only are these moves going to make you sleek and sexy but the unspoken suggestion is that you will QUOTE score UNQUOTE with your new sleek and sexy body. And yes, you will also have a blast while burning off those love handles.

What more could you possibly want out of life?

As my abs are already rock hard, I don't have any need for HIP HOP ABS but I felt it my duty to share with those less favored by nature this totally awesome product. Your neighbors may not appreciate all your thumping around but just lift your shirt and said neighbors will be silenced by your six pack. That's how powerful the core is. How do you think the presidents of this country were elected? It wasn't their platforms but rather their rock hard abs. Try to prove me wrong.

In conclusion HIP HOP ABS will change your life. It changed Chris' life. He was 5'10" and 235 lbs with shoulder-length curly hair. Not anymore! Now Chris is a sleek and sexy 185 with the same shoulder-length curly hair and dark circles under his eyes. I suspect once you get HIP HOP ABS in your system, it's next to impossible to stop dancing. A small price to pay, no?

In conclusion to my conclusion, infommercials are really great. HIP HOP ABS will change your life. The rock-hard stomach is the secret to success and happiness. The TV is a magical box that I will continue to monitor, if only to help you help yourself. And you love me very much.

Rising to the next level

I am so tempted to write about wizards, specifically the song "The Wizard" but I will resist the urge.

Instead, I submit something educational. This is me going out on a limb for you.

COMMON ERRORS IN ENGLISH a list, not composed by me, but strongly endorsed by me: http://wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html#errors

Holy shit, puppies! I applaud whoever cataloged this exhaustive list, alphabetized and everything. This "brian" must be one angry grammarian. I salute you angry brian.

Be forewarned that possession of this knowledge will not help you quote score unquote. If that's what you're into, I cannot help you. Scoring has never been an "issue" or "problem" for me. You should work on your baggage elsewhere and stop bringing everyone down, Debbie.

For non-Debbies, check out this list and learn it. Apply it in everyday life. Do not succumb to the common man's errors.

I submit the following:

COLD SLAW: The popular salad made of shredded cabbage was originally “cole slaw,” from the Dutch for “cabbage salad.” Because it is served cold, Americans have long supposed the correct spelling to be “cold slaw”; but if you want to sound more sophisticated go with the original.


First of all, Shiny Penny rejects cold or cole slaw. I reject slaw in any form. If you have to consume slaw, please do so out of my sight. When you are consuming your contraband slaw, have the decency to refer to it by its proper name.


I submit the following:

KOALA BEAR: A koala is not a bear. People who know their marsupials refer to them simply as “koalas.” Recent research, however, indicates that pandas are related to other bears.


This is very confusing. Koalas don't look like pandas so why is angry brian mixing things up here? I think he's trying to keep us on our toes. Thanks angry brian.


I submit the following:

TONGUE AND CHEEK: When people want to show they are kidding or have just knowingly uttered a falsehood, they stick their tongues in their cheeks, so it's "tongue in cheek," not "tongue and cheek."


I know what you're thinking. angry brian doesn't touch on the gesture illustrated by tongue in cheek. Perhaps he is not only angry but sensitive in this area. Pity.


In conclusion, this site is very helpful -- for you -- and you should refer to it often. Maybe print it out and carry the pages with you for reference. Figures of authority are hot. People like to be corrected whenever possible. These are facts.

Again, you're welcome.

She's got legs.

Remember that ZZTop song?

She's got legs. She knows how to use them.

Seems so innocent. But I'm sure the legless would beg to differ. I'm like Switzerland on this particular issue as I currently have too many opinions out in the ether.

However, I thought of this classic song today on my commute to my other top secret headquarters. There are two people I see every day on the train: short, well-dressed Asian man and blonde woman with short skirts.

The Asian man will have to wait for another day.

Blonde woman. I have only ever seen her from behind. Usually ascending stairs. She often wears short white skirts, black panty hose, and high heels. I have never seen her deviate from this costume. Today it made me wonder.

Doesn't she get hot in those panty hose? How many pairs of panty hose can she possibly own? Does she rinse out the same pair every night? Why doesn't she have any runs? Is she some kind of service worker? What's lurking underneath her panty hose? Are her legs real?

I thought about these questions for an intense five seconds. When I got to work, I happened upon an article in the New York Times called "Sweatology." I think from the -ology that sweating is a science. Rad.

This article explained that most people have 2 million sweat glands; oversweaters have 4 million. If we didn't have sweat glands, we'd be covered in apelike hair.

This is what I have concluded: panty hose lady is hairy. And possibly apelike. She is dangerous. I am sure of it. Stay away from her.

I don't think it's any coincidence that ZZTop were also hairy and I thought of this song when faced with this woman's legs.

I am like a detective. Only better.

You're welcome.

Reflections from the Think Tank

I have returned from my top secret mission to Shiny Penny Research Laboratories, location undisclosed. The Doctors housed and fed me as we conducted our many tests on humanity and the environment. I'm working on the patents now but thought fit to share with you some of what we have learned in preliminary field work.

WHAT I LEARNED ON SUMMER VACATION WITH THE DOCTORS by Shiny Penny

-- Milk is an ill-advised sexual lubricant. Whole milk, in particular.

-- Eating bacon every day, sometimes twice a day, makes you smarter. Bold claim, yet nonetheless true: Bacon is the great equalizer.

-- Although licking can be fun for both licker and lickee, inappropriate licking just gets you wet. (See entry on milk.)

-- The very famous song about "My Meatball" may or may not have anything to do with the Smokey Mountains. [For novices, I give you this taste: On top of old Smokey, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed.]

-- Meatballs are both delicious and nutritious.

-- Neuticals! Holy shit. I will be posting more about this highly controversial topic at a later date. For now, Neuticals! The faint of heart should not watch the video.

-- Emphatics are my favorite kind of people. You always know where you stand with them. Emphatics either love you as if you are the most incredible creature in the world or loathe your offensive presence. It's always clear cut.

There are so many other exciting things to share. I encourage you to take your own vacation and stop living vicariously through mine. You are acting like a parasite. Give me some space.

Thank you! You are the best. . . and sometimes the worst. . . but never both at the same time.

Gimme a break

I sure deserve it. Nell Carter, star of the popular show "Gimme a break," would agree. That's her in the red dress. She had flair. I don't remember all those girls but I do remember the dad. He was a COP.

Back to me. I'm heading to a tropical-like destination sans palm trees and fruity drinks. Or am I?

I'll leave you to chew on that.

Later, skaters.

En garde!

Notice: to The Scrivener who accused me of one thing and then tried to cover it up by fancifying said accusation as "your force field." I have done an exhaustive 5 minutes of research on force fields and have come to the conclusion that I may or may not have a force field, but I most certainly have a personal scent circle.

According to the Scented Products Education and Information Association of Canada (SPEIAC), everyone has a personal "scent circle" about an arm's length away from their body. Furthermore, it is advised to stay within your "scent circle" at all times. These crazy Canadians have actually drafted guidelines for employers to deal with scent violators. This is like a totally hot topic right now. Smellnatural.com will advise you on how to apply fragrances, which they define as "making you more pleasant and charming."

Alack, if only that were true.

I digress.

As far as my force field goes, I embrace the invisible, pretty much any chance I get. You may have spotted me blowing "air" kisses but I assure you there was in fact a very real recipient. I will concede, however, that I am EN GARDE! as it is a thick, dangerous world, outside of my awesome force field, and EN GARDE! is pretty fun to say in a crowded room. Much like D'Artagnan, I'm at the ready for anything -- noble or ignoble.

As Brian Adams would say, "Everything I do. . . I do it for you."

You're welcome.

Breaking the law(s)

AdAge recently announced its Power 150: Top Media and Marketing Blogs. I was not included on this list. Thanks for voting, jerks. Even though I do not purport to be a Media nor a Marketing Blog, I'm still offended. I should be categorically #1 on all lists.

Let's move on.

I perused this list. There were many titles I did not recognize and which I deemed not worth my precious click. Bloggers like to name their blogs after themselves it seems, with exclamation points! Note that I do not title my blog Shiny Penny! Thank you for your consideration.

I did click on one Copyblogger because it had two words I like: copy and blog. Both of which I am masters of. I'm unclear on the owner and author of this blog, however, I took special note of the following list:

THE 5 IMMUTABLE LAWS OF PERSUASIVE BLOGGING

As you may gather, there are several BIG claims in the title of this list alone. Five. Immutable. Persuasive.

Wow, I was so engaged. I continued reading.

Law 1: The Law of Value: Your blog must provide value to the reader by addressing a problem, concern, desire, or need that the reader already has. Fresh, original content is critical.

Yeah, I totally nailed this one. I don't think I really need to go into any detail here. I'm so out there on the field for you every day. You should show some appreciation, damn it. You're really ungrateful sometimes. You should work on that.


Law 2: The Law of Headlines and Hooks: Your post titles must stand out in a crowded, noisy blogosphere, and you must quickly communicate the value of reading further with your opening.

Please. Is this Copyblogger serious? I am all over headlines and hooks. I should rename this blog Captain Motherfucking Hook. I dominate Law 2.


Law 3: The Law of “How To”: People don’t want to know “what” you can do, they want to know “how” it’s done. If you think you’re giving away too much information, you’re on the right track.

I beg to differ, Copyblogger. There are many mysteries in this universe and I happen to be one of them. If I reveal all of my secrets, you, dear reader, may imagine that you are actually of the same mettle. That would be unfortunate for you. I can see awful headlines now. Stick to your station. Everyone's better off. I'll tip in my service journalism when appropriate. Didn't I warn you about waving too violently to the manatee? Yes, I did. Didn't I advise you not to wear denim in extreme heat? Affirmative. Didn't I counsel you on the benefits of making lists and not staring at people with neck tattoos and faithfully showing the Bruce Lee adoration? Right on on all accounts. If this isn't how-to station, I don't know what is. You're not getting this caliber of wisdom for free anywhere else. Quit being so needy.


Law 4: The Law of the List: Love them or hate them, informational posts presented in list format are easily digestible, and allow for an efficient transfer of your value proposition to the reader.

You're welcome.


Law 5: The Law of the Story: Stories are the most persuasive blogging element of all, as they allow you to present a problem, the solution, and the results, all while the connotation of the story allows readers to sell themselves on what you have to offer.

Oops, sorry, I nodded off. I tell you stories. Every day is like a new adventure for you. I'm not into the sales aspect though. I like to close the deal just as much as the next future world dominator but sometimes it's a bit cheesy. I am not in fact for sale at this juncture. Anyway, I think this Law 5 pretty lame as #5s go. So I'm just going to do something ballsy and reject it outright.


In conclusion, I am still not on AdAge's Power 150 and I blame you. I really hope you'll step up to the plate and take responsibility for your inaction. I can't carry you all the time. Try to do your small part for Shiny Penny.

Thanks for loving.

With us, it's personal.

This is the approved tag line of the Rite-Aid Pharmacy. This tag line is meant to make you feel like the pharmacists are human beings and that they view you as a human being as well. Clever. Sometimes when I'm filling up my prescriptions for GREATNESS, I wonder about the pharmacists. Transformers are everywhere. Robots in disguise. Seemingly human, but nay! Evil doers abound. Those with ill will; they say one thing and do another; often they subscribe to a secret, fucked-up agenda.

Anyway, I dropped off my prescription for JUSTICE the other day and the pharmacist ran after me. Literally. He ran down the aisles. I was mesmerized by the arrangement of delicious cereals which is where he found me. (I like to blend into civilian life as much as possible.) The pharmacist informed me of an error in my Rx: JUSTICE. Wow! I thought "that was really personal." Not like "a personal invasion of my privacy" but rather "he really cares about how and when I use my Rx: JUSTICE." I felt a bit of warmness. I almost hugged him because I hear that's what you mortals do. I decided against it though because I also know those in positions of authority, such as myself, do not like to be touched when on the job. You just never know what people are up to. I could go in for the friendly hug and never let go. And can you imagine how my pharmacist would explain an embrace in the middle of the cereal aisle? It would have been unpleasant for him. Not the hug, of course.

You may be wondering why I need a prescription for GREATNESS when in fact I am naturally brilliant and charming. "Ah-ha!" you may be thinking. I hate to dash your hopes that I am just one of you. Let's keep up the illusion for now.

Back to that tag line. It's a competitive advantage the Rite-Aid is touting. As if to say, "Those other guys are impersonal, but not us! Not us." I think I can get on board with this claim. I think I may adopt this tag line in a slightly altered form for myself.

With me, it's personal.

If you really think about it, you're stating the obvious. If, in fact, you are a person, how could any interaction not be personal? Did you just have a giant Duh moment? I know. Sometimes I even amaze myself. I used to hate when people would say "Don't take it personally." Especially after unleashing some ridiculous criticism of something or other. It's really a stupid thing to say. Moreover, a stupid thing to think or act or react to. Everything is personal. Unless of course you are a Transformer or some sort of bot. If this is the case, rock on to you.

I think Chuck Norris would approve of my new tag line. I think Bruce would as well. I'm really pleased with myself this morning. I have to go do something GREAT now. I wish some small measure of GREAT on you because I'm generous like that and shit, with me, it is personal.

A List Only Befitting August 2007

It's time to draft a list because all plans for world domination begin with the almighty list.

THINGS TO DOMINATE IN AUGUST 2007

-- Phobias. Namely your sweaty arm or leg touching my awesome arm or leg when uninvited or uncalled for. I will resist the urge to knock you down. You're welcome.

-- Peking duck. Maybe. I'm still not sure. Let me amend: headless Peking duck. Doable.

-- The world. Totally within my grasp.

-- The dance. Pretty much a lock at this point but I still need to break out the Flashdance before my shoulders spontaneously tear through all of my clothing on their own.

-- People whose names begin with the letter D or contain the letter d somewhere therein.

-- All previous posts up to this point. I know! How do you improve on greatness? Stay tuned to have your mind blown.

-- Nuts. I like nuts, shelled and unshelled. And, they're good for you! And the expression "Nuts!" should be worked into daily vocabulary.

-- Buble time and the memory of his very catchy song "Everything". I may have to sacrifice my dog hearing to dominate this category. It's worth it.


That's all I'm going to give you. I don't subscribe to the Top 10 list. Top 10 list is not the boss of me. I encourage you to make your own list of PEOPLE OR THINGS TO DOMINATE IN AUGUST 2007. It will make you feel closer to me, but not too close (see first item).

Nuts.

Peaches and Herb

Breakups are funny. Not so much in a funny-ha ha way but funny-strange. What's funnier is reunions. They can be so awkward. Not for me so much but I'm trying to imagine what it's like to be in your shoes. What I like to do is sing the popular Peaches and Herb song "Reunited". This always breaks the ice. Follow it up with a high-five with your ex and you can't help but have a good time.

I considered giving you a taste of all the lyrics but I think they're probably too intense for you. Maybe you'll start reminiscing or something; maybe you'll cry a tiny tear. That would be unpleasant for everyone involved. So I've included the chorus below because it was the only part I could remember and thought fit to copy and paste. Peaches and Herb would probably want some royalties and I'm not emotionally mature enough to pay out.

Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey

Don't you feel better already. Don't get hung up on Peaches and Herb's promise though. This is not a foolproof plan. Sure, many an ex would melt at the sweet sounds of some P&H. Hell, who wouldn't? There's probably someone out there who could resist the lambchops of one Herb and the soothing click of Peaches' braids. In those cases, you just keep on singing and say "Nuts to you. Nuts. To. You."

In conclusion, Peaches and Herb are awesome. "Reunited" is an invigorating, feel-good song. However, "Reunited" cannot and should not be used willy-nilly nor should the lyrics be interpreted as a reflection of one's true feelings but rather just pretty solid lyrics that generally melt hearts. Peaches are also delicious on their own as a food group; as is Herb.