The Anti End-of-Year, nay, End-of-Decade List

Yeah, so 2009 is finally kicking it to the curb. Lots of folks like to take this time to reflect on the "Best of" this and the "Worst of" that and the "Sexiest" blah blah blah.

Yawn.

Clearly, this is an abuse of the very useful and very awesome when-in-my-capable-hands list. Yes, I like lists. I like making lists. I like crossing shit off lists. Is there really anything better?

NO, THERE IS NOT.

So now I have to contend with all these clowns and apes and flunkenheimers making a name for themselves through their original lists of shit we already know about. How about I take you out to a fancy dinner one night and we order some delicious foods. Then later I'll take you home in an equally fancy car and vomit that same fancy dinner all over you so you'll remember how special our night together was? Sound good? That's what these makeshift lists are like to me. Vomitrocious.

It's the end of the year. Big deal. Did you really accomplish anything worthwhile in 2009?

No, you did not.

Are you really going to stick to any of the vapid resolutions you'll set for yourself in 2010?

Lose weight! Grow hair! Give/get more BJs!

Nah, it's all for naught. Do yourself a favor and don't bother with the list. Or better yet, let's make a list of all the things that shouldn't be in a list form.

THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT BE IN A LIST FORM AT THE END OF THE YEAR, NAY THE DECADE

-- The outfits of Lady Gaga.

-- The outbursts of Alec Baldwin.

-- The most famous bald men of the 2000s.

-- The members in good standing of the International Dutch Oven Society.

-- Anyone claiming or deemed to be in "high" society, unless truly high in the best sense of the word during the actual making of this list.

-- A master list of all lists.

-- The listless. They're just not all that interesting, especially all bunched together.

-- The best movies/songs/books/products/scandals/TV shows, etc. Get a journal to indulge your sad sack of a self. Or better yet, take some Gingko Biloba so you'll remember all this inane crap.

-- Friends. A list of friends is always a bad idea. As is, a list of lovers. A list of enemies, now that's genius. And approved. Go write down your list of enemies now.

You get the idea. List making should not be taken lightly or taken at all in novice hands. Lists are intended for those of superior intelligence like myself. God only knows how you'd junk up everything with your lists of Favorite Breed of Puppy or Best Ice Cream Flavor Ever.

That's all I'm going to say this year. And you better take heed. If I find your ridiculous list on the InterWeb, I will take necessary Bruce Lee-like action to kick your list in the lady/dewd box.

Here's to world domination in 2010!

Thank you for your Xmas cards!

You know how fuzzy your tummy feels when you open the mailbox to see it crammed full of cards addressed to YOU? That's what the holidays are for really. Fuzzy tummies and mail.

You can't go wrong with an actual Xmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah/New Year's card. The kind you buy at a stationery store in a box with matching envelopes. The kind that require you know the physical locations of all its recipients. The kind that require postage, from the post office.

This may all seem like nonessential tedium to you. You're wrong, as usual First of all, acquiring the physical location of your so-called friends can never be underestimated as a clear advantage. When these so-called best buds turn on you -- and they will, my little fawn -- you'll know exactly where to send the Edible Arrangement. You know what I mean. If by chance, these turncoats haven't shown their true colors yet, what says "you're super only because of your close proximity to me" more than a Xmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah/New Year's card.

Next. Common courtesy dictates that you return the favor when your "loved ones" send you a card. And yet, it's so surprising when you take a tally at the end of the holidays of the number of cards you sent compared to the number received. Appalling is what it is.

"Oh, I've been so busy stuffing my face with all the free chocolates/cookies/free shit at work that I didn't send out cards this year."

"I must have sent your card to that old address. Sorry."

"I'm on the dole, man."

"I reject the post office and its nefarious practices."

"I'm an atheist."

"Dewd, I haven't used a pen since the '80s."

If you've run into any of these excuses, feel free to stab that person in the thigh. It's just unacceptable. I demand that my box be full on this Xmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah/New Year's with your heartfelt greetings for me.

Are you going to be a jerk in 2010 too?