As I was reflecting, I thought about how easy interviewing is for someone like me. Talking about myself has obviously never been a problem. Listening to me talk about myself is a gift and you're welcome in advance. I felt a twinge in my enormous heart for those less fortunate at the gift of gab and especially those less accomplished. So I give you this:
SUCCESSFUL INTERVIEWING TIPS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED, UNINTERESTING, AND UNACCOMPLISHED
1. When an interviewer asks what you've been up to since being given the boot, suppress your first instinct to respond thus: "I've been catching up on my stories via Hulu." Although this shows you're technologically advanced, it makes you sound like a lazy, bon bon eating slob. Instead try this: "I've been researching new technologies and media of which I'm very passionate and intellectually curious."
2. You know how gripping it is when a friend posts a weather-related status on Facebook? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Do not resort to the "sure is hot out there." Talking about the weather is totally uncool and brands you as a total snooze. Remember, hiring manager are looking for the next party animal who'll do something super inappropriate at the Christmas party. Those are memories you can't put a high enough price on. Meterologists, you get a pass on this one, but think about how one-dimensional you sound when your small talk revolves around high pressure and humidity. Somebody pull the jerk alarm!
3. If you've taken part in any workplace violence, screaming matches with co-workers or big wigs, you should highlight these as your strengths. Tell them how you really twisted Bob's horns, pushed Sally's implode button, smacked (literally) that smug grin off that Gen Y'ers snot-nosed face. These examples reveal you're a go-getter, a ballbuster, a Chuck Norris-kind of tyrannical leader. You get results! Don't just tell that story either; if you have any physical proof -- video, scars -- show, show, show.
4. Remember the popular song "Pour some sugar on me"? This is your approach to winning the hiring manager's favor. Sugar! A heart-shaped box of chocolates is never a bad idea. If you're strapped for cash or unsure whether Terry is male or female, do not panic. There's truth in the old saying, "you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." Give the hiring manager the once-over when you first meet. Make sure they notice that you're checking them out from head to toe. A nod and a wink can signal your approval, a thumbs up, high five, or the foolproof "Go on, girl/boy." Think of how starved for appreciation these HR people are. No one ever hugs HR. They should! If you've got the cajones, I encourage you to end your next interview with a long hug, maybe rub the back a little too. Guaranteed results.
5. Finally, this next tip should not be taken lightly. If you have weaknesses of any kind, don't even bother reading this one. Make sure you're sitting down when you do. The secret to interviewing success for the unemployed, uninteresting, and unaccomplished is . . .
THE FOG MACHINE
Huh? I know you're totally unimaginative so let me explain. Imagine the impact your first impression will make if you emerge from fog? Can you see it? Holy shit! I just got chills.
Let's say you're in the middle of the interview and the HR gal/guy throws a real curve ball your way. Before you start sweating like a hog in heat, flip that fog. A sense of confusion and euphoria will descend upon your interviewer. Once the fog has cleared, they will have completely forgotten the question just asked. You can transition by saying, "And that's really how I'd answer your question in a nutshell."
Here are some examples of how The Fog Machine positions you for greatness:
HR: What is your greatest strength?
YOU: Fog Machine.
HR: What is your greatest weakness?
YOU: Not enough fog.
HR: Can you tell me about your most colossal failure?
YOU: That I can still see and hear you through this awesome fog.
HR: Do you have any questions for me?
YOU: How much power do I have in my cube? You know, for the fog machine.
Do you have a firm grip on the power of the Fog Machine?
Go forth and conquer your next interview! Do it with pride. And lots and lots of delicious fog.
You're welcome.
