Anti-nature

Is what you see here natural? No, it is not. This is photographic evidence of why I am anti-nature. Yes, this is my totally delicious and juicy leg. Try to stay focused.

This past weekend I escaped the secret headquarters on a fact-finding mission in the woods. I was off grid for several days. Your attempts to reach me proved futile. I said I was off grid.

While finding facts in a "park", I was viciously attacked by Nature. Jerk. I did not see this assault coming. The exact nature of the creature which feasted on my totally delicious and juicy leg is still under investigation. In a matter of minutes post-attack, my leg grew very very angry (as seen above). The tiny bite became a hockey puck-sized area that burned. Boy, did it burn. My attempts to soothe the area proved futile. I tried reasoning with my totally delicious but now inflamed leg. Stubborn!

There's no way I'm letting Nature take me down. I ain't going out like this, Nature.

It was rumored I might contract Lyme Disease from this bite. Thankfully those rumors are false. Several balms later, my leg has grown less angry but no less delicious.

In conclusion, Nature is hostile and rude. I am still delicious and juicy. I will be adding these important findings to my Anti-Nature file. I reject camping. (I threw that in for good measure.)

You're welcome.

Jiminy Cricket!

Thank you to Black Cab Sessions for introducing me to The Duckworth Lewis Method's concept album about cricket. In case you don't know, cricket is the national sport of England! The rules of the game are known as LAWS. How badass is that? There are all kinds of funny expressions associated with this wacky game of pitching, hitting, bowling, and general mayhem on the green. At first I thought it was a lot like baseball but au contraire mon frer.

Needless to say, I don't know a thing about cricket and frankly there's not much space in my gigantic brain for cricket. However, I took a listen to the Duckworth Lewis Method's concept album about cricket and now admittedly love the cricket. Or at least the concept of cricket. The DLM have a fancy website which you should check out on your own time. http://www.duckworthlewismethod.com


You should also watch this madcap video from Black Cab Sessions with aforementioned cricket lovers: http://www.blackcabsessions.com/sessions.php?id=1244633803


Cheerio!

Welcome to the past, North Korea

North Korea has aired its first TV commercial. And it's for beer! Welcome to the 21st century, North Korea. We have things called advertising here. Advertising helps sell products but considering your people are basically all starving, I'd venture to guess beer won't be much of a market mover.

Here's another tip. If you were gunning for that Cannes award, you'll have to open up your top-secret beer commercial to folks outside your top-secret country.

However, we at headquarters have learned the gist of the commercial goes something like this:

. . .showed a grinning Korean man with sweat on his face holding a glass of beer, with a caption that read, "Taedong River Beer is the pride of Pyongyang." The commercial said the beer relieves stress and improves health and longevity. It also showed images of a pub it said was in the capital of Pyongyang, filled with people drinking.

I can get on board with the claim that beer relieves stress but considering the gargantuan levels of stress one must suffer living in North Korea, I'm thinking this is pretty much bullshit. No wonder this dude is sweating! I'd be drinking my face off if I lived in North Korea and this was the first taste of the 21st century I'd ever experienced. Too bad I wouldn't be able to afford that delicious beer since I only make $1,065 A YEAR.

What a bunch of jerks.

Oh but thanks for adding that B12 to the delicious beer I can't afford. I'm so happy someone is looking after my health.

You are officially dead to me (again), North Korea.

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Thankfully I saw this guy shortly after learning about North Korea's foray into the present. Now I feel better. Fuck yeah, America! Where dudes can wear robot helmets and play the accordion on the streets and drink beer if they want.

The Winter of The Beard

This documentary was made for me. I am the target audience. I am convinced of this fact and I'd like to thank the filmmakers for thinking of me and my entertainment.

Unfortunately I will have to wait to see the documentary because it's not in theaters or it hasn't been distributed or bought or some kind of Entourage-type-filmy talk. I ask the Hollywood now to please pick up this film or whatever you need to do to distribute this sure-to-be-awesome documentary to a theater near me. Thank you very much. Do it now.

All I do know is the very brilliant filmmakers challenged these men to grow beards for six months and record their lives. No trimming was allowed! I love this type of extreme challenge and yes, I love beards. Very much.

Watch that trailer again. Maybe send the filmmakers a thank you note. That's what I intend to do.

Thank you beards. You make the world a better place.

I heart the musical.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

You will watch this very funny parody of my all-time favorite musical "West Side Story". If you haven't seen the very popular movie of the same name with one Natalie Wood and one Rita Moreno, do yourself a huge favor and rent it. It defines awesome. In fact, I have watched this very same movie so many times that I could probably re-enact the entire thing with dance moves. Upon request of course. And cash money.

Anyway, the kids at CollegeHumor have made a highly entertaining takeoff on "West Side Story" based on popular websites like the Facebook, the Pandora, the YouTube, etc. I think the CollegeHumor kids should take me on board as a consultant for future ventures like this for several reasons.

1. I love musicals.
2. I love musicals.
3. I have an awesome sense of humor.
4. I am older, wiser, and definitely better looking than the CollegeHumor kids.
5. Because I can say shit like #4 and no one will contest its absolute absoluteness.
6. Again, I love musicals.
7, 8, 9, 10. You don't need anymore reason to benefit from a professional association with me.

So watch the video. Laugh. Laugh some more. Thank me for sharing it with you. Write me a thank you note even.

You're very welcome.