Introducing Heimlich, plus observations from vacation-like places

I've been away, to far-off and distant islands. This was not vacation but rather field research. In and among the unwashed masses, observing, making important discoveries, getting disgusted with aforementioned unwashed masses, and generally being awesome while doing all of the above.

I should mention I have a new employee.

Meet Heimlich, my German henchman. He's really great. Heimlich likes not-too-long walks on the beach, The Sound of Music, turtlenecks, not sweating, and murder. Not necessarily in that order.

Heimlich's role was to keep me out of trouble and for the most part, success! Off the clock, I took Heimlich to the lighthouse but he got that crazy murderous look in his eye so we had to hightail it out of there before Heimlich ripped his shirt off and started busting heads with his muscles in an angry German henchman kind of way. Heimlich is prone to murder. He is also prone to spontaneous musical interludes. He's a real The Sound of Music buff. Funny, I know. A regular Captain Von Trapp with his Costco winter coat and sewed-on gold buttons and accapella bursts of sweet love songs. Heimlich is a complicated creature.

Whatever you do, do not give Heimlich a tomato. He was once in a band called COUNTER TOMATO. Let's just say it went rotten quickly. He may or may not be on the run as a result of that incident with tomatoes and bands called COUNTER TOMATO. He also may or may not have been portrayed in a recent episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Anyway, Heimlich took many notes for me. Most of them were about murder (Pay attention, Heimlich!) but I managed to find some of my genius in between his hangman drawings. Here are some important takeaways.

THINGS OBSERVED WHILST NOT ON VACATION BUT RATHER OBSERVING THE UNWASHED MASSES WHILE THEY VACATION AND GENERALLY LIE ABOUT DOING AND CONTRIBUTING NOTHING

-- You can't take the corn out of corn chips.

-- Traffic reports are very meta: "On the turnpike, everyone is where they should be."

-- Oysters are juicy. Bagels are juicy. Shrimp are also juicy. "Juicy" is a wonderful adjective that should be used only by me. Sweatpants that say juicy across the rearus endus are ridiculous and I reject them.

-- Long drives down beach roads at 25 mph in super cars that should only be driven at 125 mph are very frustrating.

-- Unwashed masses bunching around landmarks that really aren't landmarks can evoke rage in henchmen.

-- Just because you went to the beach and smell like beach doesn't mean you smell good or clean.

-- I am too super tan and toned for the beach. Seeing my super tan, Ginsu-knife abs makes the regular beach people feel badly about themselves.

-- If you need to diffuse a particularly tense climactic moment of great romantic consequence, try belching very loudly. Works 80% of the time, every time.

Are you still reading this? Why don't you get your own work-study program? I'm tired of you. Always take-take-take with you. It's like talking to a dog. (Boom!)

You're welcome.

Important Things Are Happening

You may have heard I was recently laid off from that company that does the laying off of super people. Too bad for them. Their super quotient has just plummeted.

Since the laying off of the super people, I've been doing important things in my secret headquarters. Making lists of important things and crossing that shit off when each mission is accomplished. The guy in the picture above has it all wrong. Layoffs don't wreck lives. He obviously has no imagination. Layoffs make life FUN and SURPRISING and HAPPY and IMPORTANT.

Here's a peek into the very important, fun, surprising, and happy things that are currently underway in my top secret location. Take note, guy in picture.

IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENING WHILST LAYED OFF FROM THE COMPANY THAT LAYED ME OFF

-- Remember that Ginsu Knife infommercial? Those super sharp knives could cut through steel and cardboard and tomatoes! Yeah, that's what my abs will be doing when I'm done working out all the time whilst unemployed. They will totally cut you just by looking at them. I'm also bringing back the half shirt in order to show off my rock-hard, Ginsu-knife-like abs.

-- Doesn't it seem like all unemployed people have pets? Yes, they do. I've already started work on opening my heart to the animals. Kittens! Kittens are cute and furry and independent. But the problem with kittens is they require food and health insurance. Considering I'm on the dole, these kittens are becoming a real albatross around my neck. I'm pretty positive Cobra doesn't cover kittens. But like I said, I'm opening my heart to the animals and have researched making paper maiche kittens or maybe even origami kittens. This is a very good idea! And it's green! Watch as my old resume transforms into a spry kitten! The big ideas never stop over here.

-- Street work is also on the agenda. I think the man needs to know what's happening so I'll be canvassing the subway entrances between 8 and 9 a.m. on the workdays to let the workers know what's what. I'll be the one pointing and yelling "COG" at the Metrocard holders. Feel free to join the ranks.

-- You know what's really great about being laid off? You can enjoy a delicious beverage pretty much anytime of day. With other laid off people. And believe me, there are a lot of them. Take yesterday for instance. I enjoyed not one, but two delicious beverages out in the sunshine with a whole community of non-workers. I will admit my company seemed unwashed and unkempt and I am 100% anti-unwashed. I can guarantee I will continue to shower at least once a week whilst unemployed and enjoying delicious beverages.

-- The time has come to embrace change. I'm looking into changing my name into something catchy and memorable and preferably one word. I've pretty much decided my new name will be INCORPORATED. Yeah, did you shudder just then? I know! It's genius. I think INCORPORATED will leave an indelible impression on folks.

-- Lastly, world domination. With all this free time, this seems like a natural hobby for me to take on more seriously. I admit I was getting kind of lazy in the world domination arena. Sure, I let Kim Jong-il have his fun this summer but now I'm ready to rule in a full-time awesome capacity. Don't make me come over there, Kimmy.


Yeah, that's how it's gonna be around here now. Delicious beverages, world domination, paper maiche kittens, rock-hard abs. Shit. Why didn't I get laid off sooner?

Word.