Fighting Crime, One Scumbag at a Time

If you haven't picked up on it by now, I am Super. Not so much of a big reveal.

Anyway, today I let my Super out in public. I donned the red sparkled cape, knee-high white boots, glowing ring. It was breathtaking. I stole breaths like a villain, except for the fact that I am pure of heart and light of step.

My fellow Super snapped some excellent photos of me in action poses: mid-flight, hanging out with another Super, just generally being awesome. Obviously I can't share them with you for we both know You cannot be trusted. Pity. You should work on that.

It was a slow day for fighting crime though. I've included the "Scumbag" reference for frivolity only. My Creator Pater used to say I lived in "Scumbag City." Clearly I moved here for that reason.

I highly recommend you invest in a cape and some kick-ass boots.

Super is as Super does. You can dream, can't you?

Open Toe

With the weather being nice and all, all manner of toes have been unleashed to the public. Let's just put it out there: toes are weird looking. Clearly not all toes were created equal and some should be left undercover . . . to protect the children.

Don't we owe that much to humanity?

I saw a big toe on the subway tonight that scared the living daylights out of me. For the five stops I was held hostage by this unsightly toe, I schemed how to take a picture on my cell phone. I thought maybe if I appealed to the body's taste in sandal wear, she might let me photograph her foot. She didn't look all that friendly though. So I just stared and stared and stared.

How to describe it. . . to be blunt, her big toe on the left foot bore an uncanny resemblance to the male organ. I do not use this metaphor lightly. The toe in question was long and slender with this bulbous knob. I shook my head in disbelief but the image wouldn't go away, neither would the offending toe.

I wish I'd have taken a picture. But maybe you'd have nightmares like I surely will.

The Open Toe brings both pleasure and horror. You've been warned.

00...Oh My

I've never been much of a James Bond fan. Tonight my top agent and I rented "Casino Royale". I wanted romantic comedy; top agent likes action. We compromised as long as I got to see 007 without a shirt. Mission accomplished.

Can I get a MEOW?

Let me give it to you straight. This new 007 is cold. He's not the smooth-talking Pierce Brosnan. He's not the womanizer of Roger Moore fame. This Bond is all business. And I'd like to be all up in his business.

There I've said it. I don't know how exactly anyone gets their body to look like that but I'm all in favor. The screenwriter should get an Oscar for the shower scene alone. The casting director should be bronzed.

I may go evil just to get a taste 'cause I don't know anyone good who looks that good.

If that's what the English import looks like these days, I'm moving to London.

Ta ta.

Gone Missing

It's funny sometimes -- in a totally not funny way -- how people come in quickly to your life and then disappear just as fast. Like one day, they're all up in your business because your particular brand of business is the most interesting business in the world. And then in a flash, POOF! Goodbye. No phone call. No "Dear John" letter. No explanation. No nothing.

Let me just say what's on your mind. Is that any way to treat a lady, as Helen Reddy would say?

No. It ain't no way to treat a lady.

I blame the InterWeb. And the Me Generation. And Quentin Tarantino because that guy just gets on my nerves.

Actually I blame you for being such a chickenshit. Grow some cajones, muchacho. Stand up and be a man or a woman or whatever you are.

I could name names but you offenders know who you are. Stop stinking things up for the rest of us because the next time I catch you being all coy with me. . . well you take your chances and see what happens, punk.

Easta bunny

Wholesome pictures of Easter bunnies are surprisingly hard to find. Do your own search on Google Images. You'll be amazed at the proliferation of demented, lascivious, evil looking bunnies or bunnymen in costume. I was really disappointed.

So no bunny for you. Hey, maybe put an Echo and the Bunnymen album on and celebrate Easter that way. Or just eat a lot of chocolate eggs and peeps and jelly beans because that's probably want you want to do anyway.

I'm going back to bed. It is a holiday and I shouldn't be working so hard for you ingrates.

Happy Easter.

The inherent benefits of the flu shot

1) Avoiding flu.

2) Preventing boredom brought on by the flu.

3) Smiling more; frowning less.

4) Not losing entire paycheck to Kleenex, Nyquil, Tylenol, Ricola, Echinacea, and other remedies that only succeed in making you drowsy and stupid.

5) Not subjecting oneself to Oprah, Montel, Greg Berendt, Regis and Kelly, E True Hollywood Story: Hillary Duff, countless crazy episodes of Inside Bobby Brown, reruns of America's Next Top Model, and the like.

6) Showering daily.

7) Eating solid foods.

8) Awake for more than 10% of the day.

9) Using that 10% to do more than #5.

10) Avoiding flu.

Let this be a lesson to you.

Ring Rage

This apparently is a new phenom spreading like wildfire. Rage over other folks' ringtones. Fights have broken out over ringtones.

I need to interject. Do you not have something else to pick a fight about than someone's ringtone? Because that seems like bottom of the barrel in terms of picking fights over stupid shit.

But it's all true. The New York City Center for Reduction of Noise Pollution estimates $1.2 billion was lost in productivity last year due to stupid ringtones annnoying the crap out of people in the workplace.

I need to interject. Who comes up with these figures? How about the billions lost because some jerk was calculating this ridiculous and totally unsubstantiated number?

So the New York City Center for Reduction of Noise Pollution's solution is to restrict the number/type of ringtones to four. They're trying to pass a law on this shit with heavy fines to be imposed by the police.

You can hear about it here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9210663

I need to interject. Why? What the hell is wrong with people? Does this New York City Center for Reduction of Noise Pollution have nothing better to do than come up with a law regulating ringtones? Who's going to choose the four ringtones? How could you possibly take any police officer seriously who fined you for your ringtone? Has the world gone mad?

Yes. Yes it has.

April Fool's.