I dove deep into the belly of a country of small tan people to uncover their secrets and secret trails. It was a journey not without misfortune and mishaps. Don't think I didn't notice your attempts to slow me down by misplacing my contact lens -- while it was in my eye; by pushing your altitude sickness upon me with its all-consuming headache, nausea, and shortness of breath; making my fingers numb for 20-minute periods; and of course the "accident" of my sprained ankle. I'm onto you small tan people. You're small but not that crafty. Well, actually, you're very crafty as the many craft tables with your crafts proved and your constant soliciting of buyers for these crafts, but not in the crafty underhanded way.
Journeys like these often lend themselves to self-examination as if the self (meaning you) was that interesting to begin with to require investigation. Lest you confuse yourselves, see Olive Garden comment in first paragraph. I, on the other hand, being of superior mind and body as stated earlier, generated several brilliant ideas and observations while in the jungle and the unwelcoming environs aforementioned.
INSPIRED IDEAS AND BRILLIANT OBSERVATIONS OBTAINED OUT OF COUNTRY, SOMETIMES WHILE IN THE JUNGLE
-- Toilet paper and flushing are underrated. More surprisingly, toilet paper was not invented by the Japanese, but the Chinese! Horrors! American Seth Wheeler put it on a roll in 1877.
-- You can in fact make a delicious cake in the jungle, without an oven.
-- Walking down 3,000 steps with a sprained ankle is a real bitch.
-- Whoever is engineering knees these days has really fallen down on the job. Way to go, humans.
-- Hiking is not a race, even though you really want to beat the family with small children to the campsite.
-- It's not the speed of your hike that matters, but the time spent -- the more, the better -- on the trail.
-- Panic attacks and altitude sickness are often confused for each other.
-- Guinea pigs produce milk. (Shocking.) You can make cheese from this milk. Small people are best equipped to coerce this milk from guinea pigs.
-- Tents are made for short people, an injustice I will rectify for those of us over five feet in height. Look out for a missive from my new nonprofit TENTS FOR TALLS.
-- It's best to remain in disguise throughout your trek and even "assume some outward physical weakness" to gain favor and greater access to knowledge. People can't help but divulge information to the weaks and the sicks and the frails.
There are countless others I could tack onto this abbreviated list. It's funny how journeys outside your comfort zone and time zone can really change you, readjust the old priorities. In addition to my regular world domination to-do, I'm adding this new, totally selfless and possibly time-consuming cause: my nonprofit TENTS FOR TALLS. I won't rest until this evil perpetrated by the shorts is corrected. I'm coming for you, shorts. Better look out -- and up.
