Friday, March 30, 2012

It's curtains for you, kids.


It's become increasingly apparent that the world hates kids. Exaggeration? Let's consider some recent events to support this fact:

  1. Unarmed 17-year-old shot dead by crazy lurking old for wearing the always-threatening hoodie sweatshirt.
  2. The olds are pumping your school lunch meat full of pink slime. (Not to be confused with the fun kind of green slime that Nickelodeon dumps on celebrities at awards shows.)
  3. MPAA slaps "R" rating on movie made for kids, about bullying among kids. So, kids won't be able to see the movie made for them about them.
  4. NYC Department of Education compiles a list of 50 words to ban from standardized tests because kids will get too distracted to take the test when they see the super charged likes of "pepperoni" and "dinosaur."


Hey kids, you need to organize your tiny selves and fight the olds before they turn you into a bunch of shits with no vocabulary.

Now for the in-depth analysis (Clearly the kids won’t read this far because they all have ADD but maybe one rebel kid will.).

  1. It's no surprise this event happened in Florida. Heimlich and I have agreed that Florida should be physically severed from the United States like a gangrenous foot and set to sea.

    Nothing good comes out of Florida. Residents have proven time and time again that they like to murder, whether it’s their babies (Caylee Anthony), their baby mommas (Michelle Parker), or apparently kids with hoodies (Trayvon Martin).

    Consider too that the senior olds go there to die. They're probably expecting to get murdered before their natural end. I bet the senior olds sign some kind of "I agree to be murdered" pact when crossing the border into Florida.

    Florida, you are akin to the penal colonies of old Australia. Except without the dignity of bars and the punishment. You really blew it, Florida. So we're done with you. Now get the hell out of here.

2.  Your pink slime meat is produced by Beef Products, Inc., “the world's leading producer of lean beef processed from fresh beef trimmings.” I just threw up after typing that sentence. Go on a hunger strike, kids.

3.    MPAA, what a bunch of dummies.

4.    Speaking of dummies, the New York Department of Education really takes the cake. Oh geez, should I strike “cake” from the record so as not to offend the gluten intolerant? F you, Department of Dummies.

What the hell is wrong with you, jerks? Are kids today so sensitive that they can’t take a test if the word “birthday” appears and they happen to be a Jehovah’s Witness because they’ll burst into tears? Hey kid, maybe you shouldn’t be a Jehovah’s Witness because birthdays are awesome. Or better yet, maybe you should steel yourself for a world of disappointment and hard things to deal with . . . because that’s what the world is.

This extreme sensitivity to offending anyone is really fucking offensive. I’d like to suggest a ban on banning or maybe just a ban on the Department of Education. Here’s their idiotic list of banned words:

Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological), Alcohol (beer and liquor), tobacco, or drugs, Birthday celebrations (and birthdays), Bodily functions, Cancer (and other diseases), Catastrophes/disasters (tsunamis and hurricanes), Celebrities, Children dealing with serious issues, Cigarettes (and other smoking paraphernalia), Computers in the home (acceptable in a school or library setting), Crime, Death and disease, Divorce, Evolution, Expensive gifts, vacations, and prizes, Gambling involving money, Halloween, Homelessness, Homes with swimming pools, Hunting, Junk food, In-depth discussions of sports that require prior knowledge, Loss of employment, Nuclear weapons, Occult topics (i.e. fortune-telling), Parapsychology, Politics, Pornography, Poverty, Rap Music, Religion, Religious holidays and festivals (including but not limited to Christmas, Yom Kippur, and Ramadan), Rock-and-Roll music, Running away, Sex, Slavery, Terrorism, Television and video games (excessive use), Traumatic material (including material that may be particularly upsetting such as animal shelters), Vermin (rats and roaches), Violence, War and bloodshed, Weapons (guns, knives, etc.), Witchcraft, sorcery, etc.

Say goodbye to “fart!” and “Halloween” and “rap music” and “swimming pools" and "video games” and anything else FUN. 

Like I said, kids, get yourself out of here. Because all signs point to the olds ruining everything for you. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Who really hates cats? This guy.


Gatefeeder - feeds the right meal to the right cat from Gatefeeder on Vimeo.

Got a cat? Yeah, you probably will end up hating that furry friend as soon as it gets sick. Like this guy. Inventor guy. He had two cats (Mikey and Sparky) and one went and got sick. Mikey, of course. That's what you get for cursing your cat with a stupid human nickname, guy.

Anyway, Mikey required special food and medicine, and worst of all, supervision. And this guy had a day job. Pull it together, damn cat. You're really ruining this guy's life.

But then guy has a storm of the brain:

"So one day, while I was waiting for yet another delayed flight back home, I sketched out some ideas, and by the time I landed, I had a working drawing. I now knew what our babies needed; now I just needed to figure out how to make the thing work. Plato was right!"
Let's take a minute to really understand where guy is coming from.

  1. He's obviously a V.I.P. because he's jet-setting around for business. 
  2. These cats are his babies so clearly he has some serious attachment issues and a deep-seated fear of human babies. 
  3. And of course, this guy reads philosophy so he's super smart and doesn't even need to tell you what Plato was right about. The guy just knows he's right. 


So, introducing this guy's invention, or as I like to call it, The Humiliation Box a,k.a. Thanks for ruining my life, Mikey:


You insist on being sick, cat, so go stick your head in this box. That'll teach you to be weak in this guy's presence. He's so disgusted by your weakness that he put your "special" food and meds inside this plastic box. Go on, get your damn fix, you stupid weakling cat. And, if you vomit inside that box, at least this guy doesn't have to clean it up. You'll just have to eat that too, cat.

Lest any other cats fraternize with this weak one, it's tagged for life as weak thanks to a handy collar ID that reads, in short, "I'm a pussy."

No surprise here that Mikey didn't make it to see this guy get some patents on his humiliation box. Way to go, cancer cat.

Doesn't much matter since this guy will be rolling in dough soon and can buy a whole litter of healthy cats with better nicknames and non-cancerous bodies.

Important to note: This guy has tested his humiliation box on dogs too, and even "a curious baby."

Watch out, sicks. If you're related to this guy, he's going to put you in the box. Uh, I mean put your feed and meds in the box.

Grandmas and grandpas too, better be on your guard. Hide your sick, people. There's a sick box lurking around ever corner. And someone who hates you.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Lifestyles of the rich and shameless


In other news, rich people think it’s “cute,” “trendy,” and “a great conversation starter” to live across the street from prison.

Women’s prison, mind you. As if women don’t have the rage of a thousand bastards and can’t go murdering whenever they feel like. Did you see “Monster,” rich people? Charlize Theron may be beautiful but she was a batshit crazy murderer in that piece.

And, another thing. Your rich people use of “the p-word” is wholly rejected by me. It’s PRISON, you idiots. There’s a reason certain words are abbreviated and being rich isn’t a good reason.

Listen, rich people: You are the worst. The very fact that this was news in The New York Times is proof of your supreme worstness. Stop acting surprised when the inmates of said women’s prison flip you the bird after you wave from your multimillion-dollar condo.

And, if you think you’re safe, consider this:

“A medium-security prison like Bayview houses a range of inmates, including well-behaved violent offenders and nonviolent offenders whose crimes were severe, according to the State Department of Corrections. That could mean people convicted of a variety of crimes, including murder, robbery and selling drugs. Most of the women at Bayview are nearing the end of their sentences or are in work-release programs.”
Here’s what I’m taking away from this paragraph:
  • Your neighbors are violent murderers and robbers.
  • They are also serious.
  • You are rich.
  • They probably want to murder and rob you. 
  • Seriously. 
  • (But at least, they’re well behaved.)
  • Baiting these women at the end of their tenure is probably the stupidest of all your stupid rich people ideas.
  • They know where you live, dummies.
  • They’ve been watching you for months.

Think they can’t get in? Consider this:
“For about five hours during the week and eight hours on weekends, Bayview inmates are permitted out on the roof to take in the air. They can choose between the exercise area, which has sweeping city views, and a smaller deck, lined with gray plastic picnic tables, that has straight-on views of the Hudson River.”
Did you see “Prison Break,” rich people? They basically showed you how to break out of prison. And this is medium security. Piece. Of. Cake.
If those lady inmates aren’t plotting to take over your entire building right now in lady inmate style and turn it into a serious murdering, robbing drug den – albeit a proper one – then you’re not as rich as you thought. You’re just dumb. Which should be a capital offense.