It's curtains for you, kids.

It's become increasingly apparent that the world hates kids. Exaggeration? Let's consider some recent events to support this fact:

1. Unarmed 17-year-old shot dead by crazy lurking old for wearing the always-threatening hoodie sweatshirt.
   
2. The olds are pumping your school lunch meat full of pink slime. (Not to be confused with the fun kind of green slime that Nickelodeon dumps on celebrities at awards shows.)
   
3. MPAA slaps "R" rating on movie made for kids, about bullying among kids. So, kids won't be able to see the movie made for them about them.
   
4. NYC Department of Education compiles a list of 50 words to ban from standardized tests because kids will get too distracted to take the test when they see the super charged likes of "pepperoni" and "dinosaur."

Hey kids, you need to organize your tiny selves and fight the olds before they turn you into a bunch of shits with no vocabulary.

Now for the in-depth analysis (Clearly the kids won’t read this far because they all have ADD but maybe one rebel kid will.).

1. It's no surprise this event happened in Florida. Heimlich and I have agreed that Florida should be physically severed from the United States like a gangrenous foot and set to sea.
   
   Nothing good comes out of Florida. Residents have proven time and time again that they like to murder, whether it’s their babies (Caylee Anthony), their baby mommas (Michelle Parker), or apparently kids with hoodies (Trayvon Martin).
   
   Consider too that the senior olds go there to die. They're probably expecting to get murdered before their natural end. I bet the senior olds sign some kind of "I agree to be murdered" pact when crossing the border into Florida.
   
   Florida, you are akin to the penal colonies of old Australia. Except without the dignity of bars and the punishment. You really blew it, Florida. So we're done with you. Now get the hell out of here.
   

2.  Your pink slime meat is produced by Beef Products, Inc., “the world's leading producer of lean beef processed from fresh beef trimmings.” I just threw up after typing that sentence. Go on a hunger strike, kids.

3.    MPAA, what a bunch of dummies.

4.    Speaking of dummies, the New York Department of Education really takes the cake. Oh geez, should I strike “cake” from the record so as not to offend the gluten intolerant? F you, Department of Dummies.

What the hell is wrong with you, jerks? Are kids today so sensitive that they can’t take a test if the word “birthday” appears and they happen to be a Jehovah’s Witness because they’ll burst into tears? Hey kid, maybe you shouldn’t be a Jehovah’s Witness because birthdays are awesome. Or better yet, maybe you should steel yourself for a world of disappointment and hard things to deal with . . . because that’s what the world is.

This extreme sensitivity to offending anyone is really fucking offensive. I’d like to suggest a ban on banning or maybe just a ban on the Department of Education. Here’s their idiotic list of banned words:

Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological), Alcohol (beer and liquor), tobacco, or drugs, Birthday celebrations (and birthdays), Bodily functions, Cancer (and other diseases), Catastrophes/disasters (tsunamis and hurricanes), Celebrities, Children dealing with serious issues, Cigarettes (and other smoking paraphernalia), Computers in the home (acceptable in a school or library setting), Crime, Death and disease, Divorce, Evolution, Expensive gifts, vacations, and prizes, Gambling involving money, Halloween, Homelessness, Homes with swimming pools, Hunting, Junk food, In-depth discussions of sports that require prior knowledge, Loss of employment, Nuclear weapons, Occult topics (i.e. fortune-telling), Parapsychology, Politics, Pornography, Poverty, Rap Music, Religion, Religious holidays and festivals (including but not limited to Christmas, Yom Kippur, and Ramadan), Rock-and-Roll music, Running away, Sex, Slavery, Terrorism, Television and video games (excessive use), Traumatic material (including material that may be particularly upsetting such as animal shelters), Vermin (rats and roaches), Violence, War and bloodshed, Weapons (guns, knives, etc.), Witchcraft, sorcery, etc.

Say goodbye to “fart!” and “Halloween” and “rap music” and “swimming pools" and "video games” and anything else FUN. 

Like I said, kids, get yourself out of here. Because all signs point to the olds ruining everything for you.