Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Holy shit, an extra day of life? A.K.A. Leap Day


“OMG, Becky, like what are you going to do with like this totally awesome extra 24 hours?”

Settle down.

Yes, you do in fact have an extra day in your otherwise humdrum unwashed-mass life. And yes, it is a Wednesday. I’m of the opinion that Leap Days only fall on Wednesdays; Heimlich argues with his math and science and calendar mumbo jumbo but we both know I’m right.

The question I pose to you is what will you do to carpe the leap? Let me get you started with my list of awesome things to do and not do today (and always).

CARPE THE LEAP BY DOING/NOT DOING THE FOLLOWING IMPORTANT HUMAN THINGS
  • When on a six-person occupancy elevator with one other person, resist the urge to chomp loudly on your baby carrots before 10 a.m.
  • If you are in a crowded line while talking on your Bluetooth, please excuse yourself and run into traffic.
  •  If you fancy yourself extra clever, do not send items such as stuffed animals to strangers and ask them to post pictures of themselves with your stupid stuffed animal on your very clever website.
  • If you see a “Watch Children” sign and you are a pedophile, please move to Canada.
  • Depending on your potential for greatness on Leap Day or any other day, consider taking a bunch of sleeping aids and waking up tomorrow.
  • Do not say today or any other day “I’m carping the leap, man.”
  • Avoid all 29 of the stupid 29 Things to Do on Leap Day found here, most important among them “Write leap day poetry.”
  • Do eat frog legs.
  • Do not dream or tell others to dream.
  • Women, if you’ve seen the movie “Leap Year,” take heed and do not propose to your SOs today mainly because you've seen that movie and you should be ashamed. 
  • Do make fun of those born on Leap Day. Way to start life off on the wrong foot, dummy. Which brings me to this list of the unfortunates born on Leap Day or as they refer to themselves “Leaplings” (the worst):
·       Ja Rule, rapper (You rule nothing. Next please.)
·       Antonio Sabato Jr., actor (General Hospital) (The fact that I have to include GH so you’ll know who this otherwise hunky man is…enough said.)
·       Tony Robbins, motivational speaker (No.)
·       Phyllis Frelich, deaf actress (Say what?)
·       Dennis Farina, actor (Law & Order, Midnight Run, Get Shorty) (He gets a pass for the mustache.)
·       Jack Lousma, former space shuttle astronaut (STS-3) (See previous entry on what babies spacemen are.)
·       Dinah Shore, actress (No idea.)
·       Jimmy Dorsey, big band leader (Horns!)

That’s all for now. Stop reading this and go do something or not do something with your life. I don’t care.


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I hate kale.



“Kale is soooooo good for you.” 

“I super love kale.” 

“I sneak kale into everything and my kids never know.” 

If you or someone you know has ever said the aforementioned regarding kale, you are the worst people. 

Today, the juiceman sold me a bill of goods on the deliciousness and mood-altering powers of kale. I watched as he threw in apple, ginger, lemon — all delicious things — into my juice. Then came the kale. Handful after handful of indigestible demon kale was devoured by the juicer. I think juiceman enjoyed this overabundance. Or maybe he just enjoyed killing that kale. He was a real jerk either way.

The result was a green foamy (and room temperature) liquid set in front of me like some kind of prize.

“Try. You like,” he said.

Glurp.

Gag.

GROSS.

“Mmm,” I managed, to which he topped off  my cup of vomitrociousness and charged me an ungodly sum of hard-earned green money.

I addressed the juice: 

“Listen, I’m going to drink you fast and then rinse my mouth out with lye, you green bastard.”

Yeah, I drank the shit out of it. But that juice was a real vindictive bitch. Five minutes after getting to the bottom of the foulness, I burped. Again. And, again. And, again. For the next five hours. What the fuck, you stupid kale? 

So I googled kale's potential for evil.

According to Health.com, the unsubstantiated authority on health, the following foods can give the unwashed masses acid reflux:

  • Chocolate
  • Alcohol
  •  Fried food
  • High-fat dairy
  • High-fat meat
  • Caffeine


None of the above delicious and 100% approved-by-me items have ever given me anything but pleasure. So F your noise, supposed health site.

But lest I rush to judgment . . . The following foods can fight acid reflux in your disgusting tangle of  innards:

  •         Ginger (approved)
  •        Aloe vera (why are you eating this, dummy???)
  •        Banana (wrong)
  •        Salad (snooze fest)
  •        Chicken/turkey (food coma!)
  •        Roots and greens (that means you, kale)
  •        Rice (approved)
  •        And some other boring shit


Of the above, three of these foodstuffs have given me acid reflux on more than one occasion. Which leads me to believe that I have been reverse engineered for greatness and this Health site wants to kill you. 

Furthermore, kale has devised an evil plot to take over and you’re falling right into its curly, burp-inducing hands. Join with me in rebuking kale. Every time you see its ugly, green face, I urge you to yell to the rafters: 

“Get the hell out of here, kale!” 

And then get it out of here. Please.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I'm on my way, Marslings!

[Image from NASA's totally engrossing and dangerously time-sucking website]

NASA announced the other day that it's looking for tastemakers, or as they put it "taste testers," for a four-month Mars simulation. The requirements are an openness to eat disgusting things, a bachelor's degree in something science-y, ability to rock a space suit, submarine experience or something similarly awesome and underground, and your original nose (no rhinoplasty allowed!). Seems like astronauts are basically a bunch of whiny babies who complain of "menu fatigue" after eating squeezable cheese on toast points for weeks on end. Boo hoo, John Glenn. As I've been known to consume the same food for several consecutive meals, I feel overqualified to school these spacemen in how to dominate the universe.

Clearly, this is a walk in the park/on the moon/in outer space for someone highly evolved in both the brain department and general physical superiority, including my original nose despite that earlier incident. Did I mention the experiment takes place in beautiful Hawaii? More macadamia nuts, please.

Feel free to be humbled by the application here: http://manoa.hawaii.edu/hi-seas/

Obviously I've applied so don't bother. Charles F. Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator, should be calling me shortly. In the meantime, I've been compiling a list of WHAT I WILL DECREE WHEN I TAKE OVER THE RED PLANET CURRENTLY CALLED MARS BUT SOON TO BE RENAMED SHINY PENNY'S SUPER PLANET FOR ATTRACTIVE BRAINIACS WITH ORIGINAL NOSES. Here goes:


WHAT I WILL DECREE WHEN I TAKE OVER THE RED PLANET CURRENTLY CALLED MARS BUT SOON TO BE RENAMED SHINY PENNY'S SUPER PLANET FOR ATTRACTIVE BRAINIACS WITH ORIGINAL NOSES
(in no particular order)

  • Paul McCartney may never sing aloud again. (Phew, I feel better already.)
  • Chris Brown will be hermetically sealed in a capsule and shot into outer space. If Rhianna continues to make music with Chris Brown, she will accompany him.
  • Pickles will be eliminated from all planets in this solar system and other yet-to-be-discovered/conquered solar systems. 
  • All human and animal minds will erase the following: Jersey Shore, mayonnaise, that plastic surgery lady who looks like a lion (don't look!), rudeness, shoving, bunching, cooked raisins (ruiners), sneaky olives, brazen olives, fat olives, skinny olives, stuffed olives, goo, bickering, irresponsible jibber jabber, inappropriate volumes in small spaces as well as large spaces and in between spaces. Obviously this list will grow after my debriefing from Charles F. Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator.
  • Horns will be deemed the galactic instruments of choice.   
Just in case you're still considering applying, let me remind you of the requirements:

Crew Selection

We are seeking participants for this study with qualifications similar to those required by NASA for their astronaut applicants, as follows: Required:

  • Bachelor’s degree from an accredited institution, in engineering, biological or physical sciences, mathematics, or computer science.TRY TWO INSTITUTIONS, NASA! YEAH, BOTH SUPER DEGREES ARE IN LITERATURE BUT I'VE WATCHED A LOT OF LAW & ORDER AND DR. QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN AND FEEL TOTALLY SCIENTIFIC IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
  • Professional experience (including graduate school) of at least three years beyond the bachelor’s degree SEE ABOVE
  • Ability to pass a class 2 flight physical examination PLEASE. IS THIS NECESSARY?
  • No history of upper airway surgery, rhinoplasty, chronic rhinitis or chronic sinusitis ALL ORIGINAL PARTS IN EXCELLENT ORDER.
  • No other medical or psychological condition that would preclude participation in this study OTHERWORDLY SUPERHUMAN RIGHT HERE.
  • Willingness and ability to eat a wide range of foods I WILL DETERMINE RANGE. I AM THE BOSS, NASA.
  • Normal sense of taste and smell TASTE/SMELL MAKER.
  • Tobacco-free for at least 24 months HYPNOTIZED FOR SUPERIORITY
  • Demonstrated ability to conduct field research SEE PRIOR BLOG ENTRIES FOR SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS
  • Strong interest in human space exploration WORLD DOMINATION COMPLETE, ON TO OTHER DOMAINS
  • Fluency in verbal and written English SEE MULTIPLE DEGREES MENTIONED ABOVE
  • Availability and willingness to take time to participate in the workshop and the two analogue missions I'M GETTING BORED WITH THIS LIST, NASA.
Anyway, there are a bunch of other "desirables" including the ability to lift shit, cook delicious foods, drive, and again, look good in a space suit. So let's get on the horn and do some space business, Charles F. Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator.