Monday, July 29, 2013

I suck at being sick

It's hard to come to terms with sucking at something. Especially when you're so well versed in everything. But after much reflection, I've accepted the fact that I suck at being sick. Some people really excel in this arena and I am duly humbled by your success. I just cannot seem to master being sick with any grace or dignity.

There was the time I accidentally took four 24-hour Sudafed in the space of six hours because A) I threw out the box and didn't know the dosage B) didn't have my contacts in and read the aluminum backing incorrectly C) am dumb.

There was that other time I was so bored of being at home sick that I decided to clean my apartment and threw my back out vacuuming.

There was that other time I ended up in the ER with no shoes.

I digress. In the interest of saving time, I submit this list of things not to do while sick in the hopes that you will recover from sickness sooner rather than dead.

WHAT NOT TO DO WHILE SICK IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND SUCK AT BEING SICK

-- Showering. On the surface it seems like a great idea. Wash off the muck and the sick smell. Yes! For the first 10 seconds of said shower, you will feel exhilarated. This is quickly followed by either chills, sweating, or the lucky combination of both. Just try to lift those weak wings to wash your hair. You can't. And you will cry. And then you will scan your body and see it in a new sick light that no one should see and now you will never unsee. Do not shower.

-- Makeout. Although I look best when at my weakest, most don't. And nasal fluids should never touch anyone other than your own self to which that nasal instrument belongs.

-- Vacuum. As stated in the Showering section, this seemingly mundane task requires Herculean strength which you do not have. It will end in tears.

-- Eat anything delicious. If ever there was an exercise in futility... Everything tastes like feet. Even the delicious hot bowl of popcorn will taste like styrofoam. Starve. It's just better that way to contain the disappointment.

-- Talk on the phone. You sound like shit. No one wants to hear that.

-- Interact with fresh air. Stay indoors. The sunny outdoors doesn't want you. You're bumming everyone out with your sad, sick sack of a face and you're sucking up fresh delicious cool non-germy air that you clearly don't deserve.

-- Shop online. No matter how much water weight you've lost in the hours and minutes since you've been sick, your selection mechanism (aka your brain) has been compromised by viruses. Do. Not. Shop.

-- Weightlifting. You're already sweating so fitness seems like a no-brainer. And in one sense it is. If you deprive your brain of any more oxygen by attempting to lift weights. . . you get the idea.

-- Wink. You're not thinking clearly. You've lost weight. You have an odd glow about you. Do not under any circumstances wink at anyone. That includes the doorman, the UPS man, the deli lady, children, dogs, etc. No one. In all likelihood, your winking eye is also tearing up or very possibly oozing eye juice. No bueno.

-- Watch the movie Awakenings. This is how IMDB sums it up: "The victims of an encephalitis epidemic many years ago have been catatonic ever since, but now a new drug offers the prospect of reviving them." Funny, I remembered it differently. On second watch, this movie really is hopeless and depressing. So depressing in fact, that I need to not be sick NOW because what if I have encephalitis and go undiagnosed and then become catatonic and then have Robin Williams as my doctor and come out of catatonia for a hot minute and then go right back into it forever? Smash TV now.

All of the above have been tested time and time again by yours truly, in sickness. To your health!