Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dear NPR, I want to work for you.

All this unemployment, nee freelancing, has forced me to look inward and ask the tough questions.

"What are you doing with your life?"

Although I'd like to scream "Shut up, innards!" and punch them in the proverbial face, my mind, as you can imagine, cannot be silenced.

An aside on me punching anyone in the face. I have tremendous strength in my tiny fists, make no mistake. I discovered this hidden talent over the weekend when I inadvertently punched myself in the left eye. I was using my superior strength to lift a very heavy box of OXY CLEAN when the damn plastic handle broke and my fist went flying into my left eye. Damn, Penny!

Back to my powerful mind. It never shuts up with its "suggestions" and "recommendations" and "judging." What a jerk. Let me just panhandle like God intended. But no, my mind keeps asking "What do you really want to do? Where do you really want to work?"

So here's my TOP PLACES I'D LIKE TO WORK IF FORCED TO MAKE A DECISION ON WHERE TO WORK AND WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. (in no particular order)

-- NPR. Does this really need explanation? Have you seen the Jerome L. Greene Space, listened to Story Corps or This American Life, or coveted Carl Kessel on your home answering maching?

-- Four and Twenty Blackbirds bakery. They make the delicious pies and cookies and rhubarb muffins. I don't really want to get up at 4 a.m. to help them bake but I'd gladly be a taster.

-- Attache to billionaire. I'd help you decide which restaurants to go to, shows to attend, vacation spots to hit, etc. You would never look me directly in the face or address me without "Dear Shiny Penny, may I please..."

-- Anonymous lottery winner.

-- Reader of Classics, New and Old. I've always said I'd like to be paid to read. That would be the extent of my duties. I would decide what to read and when.

-- Theater Critic. I love the theater. I also love my opinion of the theater.

-- Oyster Shucker. As long as I get to eat 50% of oysters shucked.


I'm tired of this assignment already. I've made enough important decisions for today and it's only 10:30 am. Yeah, you have to get up early to dominate. That's how I do.