Disgustipated

There's this really great song "Disgustipated" by Tool. Go listen.

I'm disgusted with the world at large. What follows is evidence:

-- Woman in Queens robbed and then had her eyes and mouth glued shut by assailants.

-- Woman potentially flogged for naming a teddy bear Mohammed. Her class named the bear.

-- Woman raped, nay gang banged, for being in a car with men, now faces flogging and jail time.

-- 13-year old girl hangs herself when her MySpace boyfriend breaks up with her. Turns out another girl's mother posed as the boyfriend to teach the girl a lesson.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? I mean, really. What is wrong with you? This is not normal. This is not acceptable. The world is beyond going to pot. If we we're going to pot, people would be much nicer to each other.

I'm disgusted with you. As a race of all people. I don't care what color you are or what you believe in. Disgusted.

I finished a novel the other night seemingly about two vigilantes trying to clean up Florida's corruption. The gist of the conversation is 'if you aren't mad about something, you're passive and letting it happen. So get mad.'

I'm damn mad.

Speechless Without Writers

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm on strike. I am a writer after all. I know it's hard on you but imagine how I feel with all these ideas locked up inside. It's gotten so bad that I've developed physical symptoms. My neck refuses to turn in any direction. I may start wearing a neck brace just so I can avoid the uncomfortableness of explaining why I can't move here or there. Maybe that popular graffiti artist NECKFACE will write NECKBRACE somewhere in the hopes that I feel better. That would be sweet.

In the meantime, writers being writers who can't write wrote a commercial. Genius. Here's the link:



It probably won't work because writers can't really do anything technological but we sure can write the heck out of technology. Shit, I think it actually works. Cool. Us writers rock it. (Just in case: www.speechlesswithoutwriters.com)

That's all I can write today. My legs are going numb. I may be totally immobilized tomorrow if this strike doesn't end soon.

Bright Eyes

So yeah, I went to see Bright Eyes at Radio City on Monday. Apparently a lot of folks really hate this guy. Well, too bad for you haters, because the show was loud and good. You can't really deny any show when there is a lot of horn involved. There was horn o'plenty which equals awesome in my book. (That was really a great Thanksgiving joke. I hope you appreciate it so much.)

Sure there was some weirdness and I'll be the first to admit it. Sitting down for an entire concert that is not in fact classical or jazz is weird. And civilized. And yes, weird.

Also weird was the family of of four sitting in front of me. Mom, Dad, brother, sister. The sister looked booooored; the brother took a lot of video; Dad may have been high; Mom jammed on it. Family outings to rock concerts are weird. Sorry if you have a family and go to concerts together. Just know most people think you are weird.

I'm really not going to go into the details of how surprising this Bright Eyes show was. I was expecting something depressing and quiet. Just goes to show that even I can be surprised. And that is surprising.

Captcha!

I attended a conference yesterday because that’s what high-powered executives like myself do. We sit in freezing cold rooms with strangers and listen to someone or another brag about how great they/their company are. Then we eat crappy food and listen some more.

Some speakers proved more valuable than others. The first admitted that he didn’t know what engagement he had this morning. It showed. In fact, he was thoroughly uninspiring and unprepared. Well done.

Other speakers however proved worth the wait. One in particular stood out as top notch. In appearance he was the exact opposite of everything my “industry” is. Thank god. (Everyone kept referring to the room as “the beautiful people.” I think everyone is blind.)

Anyway, the Professor, as we’ll refer to him, explained how he developed Captcha, which is that jumbled-up word combo you have to type in when you buy tickets and stuff online. Out of all the speakers, he was the only one who drew questions. And a lot of them. One woman asked how he comes up with his ideas. And instead of saying something smug like “you have to stop listening to the noise,” he answered honestly: “I don’t know.”

Did you just feel that breath of fresh air?

Yeah, bitches, so did I.

Unfortunately I don’t think the audience truly grasped or appreciated how valuable the Professor’s presentation was. At an idea conference, his was the only presentation that really demonstrated the ingenuity of a creative idea that could be spun out a million times over. He took a problem and solved it. Then someone figured out how to get around his solution so he created another solution. And so on and so forth.

That’s inspiring.

What’s funny about all this is that Captcha is a way to tell humans and computers apart. I often find myself encountering this very thing.

“Are you human or bot?” For serious.

I have blogged often enough on the massive population of bots and now there’s technology to identify you.

Be afraid, bots!

In conclusion, you should really open your minds to the possibility that someone other than creatives have creative ideas. Only I am permitted to judge you, whether it’s silently or in a public forum. Also, if you have an appointment somewhere, show up knowing where you’re going and have something to say especially if audience members each paid half a grand to see you. Dummy.

Forgiveness

It’s such a strange thing to ask for. Even stranger to say out loud.

I forgive you.

Whatever, dork.

You really have to fuck things up to ask for forgiveness. We’re talking major life-altering calamity. Like a tornado of wrong doing. Whoring comes to mind. Emptying someone’s bank account. Murder. Dismemberment. The drogas. We’re not dealing with small potatoes on the quest-for-forgiveness front. Or maybe I’m just too forgiving.

Anyway, someone asked me to forgive them recently. It puzzled me. Not exactly the choice of words I would have chosen given the situation, but then again my choice of words is always top shelf and on point.

I digress.

Am I really in a position to grant forgiveness? Have I been so terribly wronged as to warrant forgiveness? What is an appropriate method of asking for forgiveness? It seems like such a serious thing to do — asking for forgiveness. I think it’s incredibly revealing especially considering the person in question thought their indiscretion was so weighty as to warrant forgiveness. Or maybe not. Maybe it was just rhetoric.

I was treated shabbily. There’s no denying that. And true enough I was owed an apology and at the very least an explanation. And the whole situation was entirely avoidable, which is really unfortunate and sad. But forgiveness?

Perhaps forgiveness was sought in order to clear this person’s conscience. I’m unclear on the motivation behind this particular request. Or the intention thereafter. I don’t suppose it much matters because I’ll probably never know.

People make mistakes. (I, of course, do not, but I’m trying to imagine what it’s like to be you.) People hurt each other’s feelings all the time. Not that that behavior is acceptable but sometimes people deserve second chances. Shit happens.

So, what’s a girl to do? What would Bruce Lee do? I may have to do field work and really fuck somebody’s shit up and then ask for forgiveness. Nah, too much contact with the outside world.

In conclusion, be careful what you ask for. Even though I am great, it may not be in my capacity to grant your every desire. And it may not even be what you really want. So just be clear, you know.

The floor is open for conversation. Let's start there.

You’re welcome.

Broke Back

This was an aborted post from yesterday. I fell asleep before I could muster up the energy to hit publish. Rejoice, for I am in fact still alive! I am using my nose to hit publish because it's the only part of me that does not hurt. Right on.

10 hours of anything is ill advised. 10 hours of physical and emotional pain, however, is euphoric. Maybe not during or even technically after but let's say hypothetically it is because I may not be able to type tomorrow.

I have just endured 10 hours of pain. It's called a journey. I like to call it a painful journey as I am currently in pain in every crevice of my rock hard body. I sweated buckets. This is no exaggeration as I was in a room with 400 other people and I happened to be next to the heater.

I may in fact be dead right now. Wouldn't that be something?

So yes, you guessed correctly I was on a yoga retreat. A personal revolution as the brochure billed it. The dictator inside me was overthrown. Beaten into submission if you will.

The emotional part was not my bag. I do not like to share. This was an important lesson for me to learn. At one point we were asked to share with our neighbor. You know what? I'll pass. But in the spirit of being neighborly, I tried. My first words to my neighbor were: "I do not like to share." You can imagine it went pretty swimmingly after that.

Okay, that's about all I got in me. My fingers are starting to cramp up. My muscles may never relax. Which would be awesome!

Word to that.

Bio

I just finished writing a friend's professional bio. These are hard things to do. I don't think it's a small coincidence that bio closely resembles b.o. except that there's a great big fat I in the middle. See what I mean?

Anyway, it got me to thinking what I would include in my own bio. And so I submit:

THINGS TO INCLUDE IN MY UNOFFICIAL BIO a list by Shiny Penny

-- Awesome.

-- Humble.

-- Multi-talented.

-- Multi-lingual.

-- Multi-tasker.

-- Task master.

-- Master of the written word.

-- Owed dues from Stephen Colbert for use of "You're welcome" in book promo campaign.

-- Stephen Colbert's hero.

-- Not fond of hero sandwiches.

-- Very tall.

-- Very super.

-- Not a party pooper.

-- In awe of the Japanese.

-- Descendant of Bruce Lee. Not directly, but spiritually.


I could go on forever. That's the funny thing about bios -- they're so self-congratulatory and usually so full of shit. Except for mine of course. I encourage you to write your own bio or at least a list of things to include in your bio when you ask someone else to write it for you.

References available upon request.

Important Safety Information

Are your legs keeping you up at night? You might have RLS (restless leg syndrome).

For serious.

I had no idea such a syndrome existed but I saw a commercial for prescription Requip and now I am a believer.

Requip is some kind of crazy drug that I guess puts your legs to sleep, which seems like a cool idea when you are actually sleeping but kind of annoying the other 16 hours of the day.

The Requip commercial is genius. You see this woman very troubled by her restless legs. You see this in her face. You don't actually get to see her legs going at it. I suspect she doesn't really have restless legs. Anyway, after this big fat faker takes Requip, you see her pretty much doing the same shit she was doing in the beginning but happier: lying in bed, reading a book, hanging out.

Requip is pretty impressive. You could say I was riveted to the TV.

And then it got better.

Side effects, baby. Read on.

Prescription Requip is not for everyone. Requip Tablets may cause you to fall asleep or feel very sleepy during normal activities such as driving; or to faint or feel dizzy, nauseated, or sweaty when you stand up. Tell your doctor if you experience these problems or if you drink alcohol or are taking other medicines that make you drowsy. Also tell your doctor if you experience new or increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges while taking Requip. Side effects include nausea, drowsiness, vomiting, and dizziness. Most patients were not bothered enough to stop taking Requip.

Okay, so social contact may be a bit challenging in the beginning, what with the sweating and vomiting. What I find particularly awesome however is the risk of increased gambling and those other urges. I mean, wow! There's a drug that makes you want to gamble? I should have read closer to see what lab is behind Requip. The Tropicana maybe!

The other awesome thing about the side effects is that RLS sufferers were not "bothered enough" to stop taking Requip. That's commitment. Or sheer laziness. Or Bob just hit the triple cherry at Vegas. Ka. Ching.

In conclusion, you should always read the fine print of whatever drugs you are taking because in addition to the relief of your symptoms, said drugs may also induce weight loss (due to vomiting and nausea) or more urges! Who doesn't want more uncontrollable urges? And the gambling. Win-win all around.

Are your legs keeping you up at night? Are they?

This is not all together interesting.

However, you will read this post to its entirety because I deem it so. My will be done.

This week proved to be entirely uninteresting news-wise, unless you are me because my universe is always thrilling. A non-stop "thrill-a-diller" as John Sterling is fond of saying. I realize, of course, you do not know who John Sterling is. Your world is small. Turn on the radio and learn something.

I'd like to tell you something about sustainability. This is a "green" term. Not "green" in the sense of "it's not easy being green" although the irony is not lost on those of us smart enough to know Kermit the Frog was a visionary, way ahead of his time. Sustainability is about the future. If you suspend your disbelief long enough to believe there is a future.

I've been thinking about these big questions. What does the future hold? Do I even want to be a part of a future when the present is fairly shit-filled and unhappy for the vast majority?

Consider.

-- Colbert is no longer running for President.

-- The current roster of candidates are still running for President.

-- People, all over the world, act, for the most part, like animals. And by animals, I do not mean the cute and cuddly, inanimate kind on your bed but rather the Darwin "survival of the fittest", I-will-kill-you kind.

-- The poor outnumber the rich everywhere.

-- Mars is still uninhabited.

-- Mars Bars are extremely difficult to find and enjoy with abandon.

-- Mars Bars aren't even that delicious.

-- Today is All Souls Day. Have you prayed for the dead?

-- The dead are scary.

Faced with the above unavoidable facts, sustainability seems not so attractive. It implies a rather laisez faire, "oh just go along with it" attitude. Not quite a forward-looking ability but rather a survival tactic. What happened to progressiveness? What happened to hope? What happened to common courtesy?

Alack. A direct hit with the two-pronged goad seems almost welcome. Quick relief. But no, puppies. We're in this sustainability together.

So onward. This is my brief inspirational message to you on All Souls Day, otherwise known as Day of the Dead.

You are welcome.