What's Happening in Asia: A Roundup

Yeah, I keep track of Asia. The preternatural shit coming out of Japan never ceases to surprise me. And of course Korea. Love that peanut of a country. It's seriously weird. South Korean teens on the subway are my favorite. They're all electric neon and five feet tall (with heels) and giggling incessantly. How can you control the urge to kidnap one? Put them right in the front pocket. Then there's North Korea. High heels, pompadours, movie sets, oppression, abject poverty, and missile tests. What the fuck, North Korea?

Anyway, I read three stories on Asia-Pac this week that bear repeating. Two totally bizarre and one ass kicker out of Vietnam of all places.

1. JAPAN. You tech behemoth. You Vegas-esque wonderland of lights and robots and bullet trains and delicious sushi meat. And yet. . .

In High-Tech Japan, the Fax Machines Roll On

Wha? Yeah, fax machines. Remember those dinosaurs with their paper rolls and stomach gurgling sounds and error messages and constant berating "Send FAIL." The Japanese are WILD for the fax machine. 

TODAY. 

Last year, Japanese households bought 1.7 Million fax machines.

ONE POINT SEVEN MILLION FAX MACHINES!

I can hardly process that stat. Here's another.

Almost 100% of businesses have a fax and 45% of homes. 

Half of homes have a fax machine? What the hell are they faxing, these fax bandits? Oh, you know, handwritten lunch orders for bento boxes. I am not kidding. 

At Tamagoya, they get 62,000 lunch orders a day — half of those come in by fax. That's THIRTY THOUSAND FAXES PER DAY. 

I can't. I just can't talk about this anymore. The Japanese do some crazy shit. I really need to get over there and fax the shit out of my lunch order. Wait til they hear about 3D printing!

2. Over in SOUTH KOREA, things are a little less light-hearted. Apparently the elderly are offing themselves in record numbers. This is very sad because everyone knows how cute elderly Asians are. Almost as cute as South Korean teens, just tinier and a little less brightly colored. Still pocket worthy though. 

As Families Change, Korea’s Elderly Are Turning to Suicide

The New York Times is calling this "explosive growth in suicides," quadrulple that in recent years. Woah! What the hell, Korea? Is it all the neon? Gangnam style to blame? Your crazy Northern neighbor? 

Turns out it's the kids who are to blame. And the government. A conspiracy against the elderly! Not really but kids are ditching the farms to make it in the big cities and leaving mom and dad to figure it out on their own. And then the government gets all up in everyone's business only to f things up royally:

The law denies welfare to people whose children are deemed capable of supporting them. That leaves some parents the humiliating choice of asking for help from their children or their government, which can grant exemptions if they can prove their children are unwilling or unable to help. 

So in an effort to not lose face, the elderly are killing themselves in record numbers. This situation sucks. I'm really disappointed in you, South Korea. Get it together or my pockets are going to start filling up real fast with your olds. 

3. Ending on a high note in VIETNAM, gimme a big ol' holla to the ladies of Loi. 

A Tiny Village Where Women Chose to Be Single Mothers

Hell yeah. Thirty years ago, a small group of gutsy ladies gave the old shaking fist "Screw you, buddy" and said I'm gonna have myself a baby solo. And shit, they did. A bunch of them. They scraped by meagerly at first but made it and turned a whole community's disapproval into acceptance and support. I love this story. I mean, yeah it's fucked up that at age 20, these women were passed by because they were deemed too old but way to take control of a situation. Here, the best line of the article:

One by one they asked men — whom they would never interact with afterward — to help them conceive a child.

Wham, bam, thank you, Sam. So it's like that, dewds. 

So that's what's what in Asia-Pac this week. I could paste the links to all these stories for you to follow-up on but shit, have some pride and DIY, like Asia would.

Domo arigato. 

Groundhogs win.

Spring is coming early, according to weather experts. Not Doppler 4000 or Sam Champion or even Al fucking Roker. I mean, the groundhog, of course.

How shitty is your profession when you're upstaged by a rodent every damn year?  

I'd like to see the data on how many meteorologists overdose on pills, strangle themselves, drive their cars off bridges today to escape the shadow of Punxsutawney Phil, Staten Island Chuck, Atlanta's General Beauregard Lee, and Ontario's Wiarton Willie.

Writing out that list just depressed the shit out of me.

What do we even know about these little animal fuckers? Well I did some research. Get ready to have your tiny mind blown.

“Teenage males are capable of many things,” said Robert S. Voss, a mammal curator at the American Museum of Natural History. 

Tell me about it, Bob. I was a teenage girl once. Oh shit, you meant teenage male groundhogs. 

These little jerks only live about six years. TOTAL. No wonder they're so intent on spoiling shit for other people. Picking on the weather(wo)man seems like a weak play, since those jerks are hardly ever right to begin with. 

Who's really to blame for this full court press on the groundhog? You, of course. Why are you filming this shit? How low on the totem pole do you have to be to get the groundhog day assignment? I say to you, reporters, revolt! Take back the news. Join your beleaguered weather colleagues and shut down this groundhog business. Do your job for once and uncover the facts like I did in 2 seconds:

According to the StormFax Weather Almanac and records kept since 1887, Punxsutawney Phil's weather predictions have been correct 39% of the time.^[108] The National Climatic Data Center has described the forecasts as "on average, inaccurate" and stated that "The groundhog has shown no talent for predicting the arrival of spring, especially in recent years."^[109]

And you know what else?

"They’re known for their aggression..."

Yeah! Groundhogs are totally hulking out all over the place. Aggro little bastards. They don't care who they take down. Live fast, die hard. Pump their burrows full of beta blockers or antipsychotics or any of this crap: Ativan, Haldol, and Thorazine. 

Maybe they're just misunderstood. Like so many of you unwashed masses. It's possible, right? Read the hell out of this next paragraph:

"Yet another challenge facing New York City’s groundhogs: their populations are so small and separated from one another, some probably have trouble finding mates, naturalists say."

I could cry. No wonder they're such animals. They just want to be loved. Don't despair, groundhog. Your soulmate is out there, probably banging another groundhog. (Credit to Will Ferrell for that insight applied to humans.) 

And now I've made the groundhog even more popular. Damn you, woodchuck! You win today, but just remember this. . . tomorrow you'll probably be dead. Six years can really fly. Enjoy it now, gangsta.