I'm on my way, Marslings!

[Image from NASA's totally engrossing and dangerously time-sucking website]

NASA announced the other day that it's looking for tastemakers, or as they put it "taste testers," for a four-month Mars simulation. The requirements are an openness to eat disgusting things, a bachelor's degree in something science-y, ability to rock a space suit, submarine experience or something similarly awesome and underground, and your original nose (no rhinoplasty allowed!). Seems like astronauts are basically a bunch of whiny babies who complain of "menu fatigue" after eating squeezable cheese on toast points for weeks on end. Boo hoo, John Glenn. As I've been known to consume the same food for several consecutive meals, I feel overqualified to school these spacemen in how to dominate the universe.

Clearly, this is a walk in the park/on the moon/in outer space for someone highly evolved in both the brain department and general physical superiority, including my original nose despite that earlier incident. Did I mention the experiment takes place in beautiful Hawaii? More macadamia nuts, please.

Feel free to be humbled by the application here: http://manoa.hawaii.edu/hi-seas/

Obviously I've applied so don't bother. Charles F. Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator, should be calling me shortly. In the meantime, I've been compiling a list of WHAT I WILL DECREE WHEN I TAKE OVER THE RED PLANET CURRENTLY CALLED MARS BUT SOON TO BE RENAMED SHINY PENNY'S SUPER PLANET FOR ATTRACTIVE BRAINIACS WITH ORIGINAL NOSES. Here goes:


WHAT I WILL DECREE WHEN I TAKE OVER THE RED PLANET CURRENTLY CALLED MARS BUT SOON TO BE RENAMED SHINY PENNY'S SUPER PLANET FOR ATTRACTIVE BRAINIACS WITH ORIGINAL NOSES
(in no particular order)

• Paul McCartney may never sing aloud again. (Phew, I feel better already.)
• Chris Brown will be hermetically sealed in a capsule and shot into outer space. If Rhianna continues to make music with Chris Brown, she will accompany him.
• Pickles will be eliminated from all planets in this solar system and other yet-to-be-discovered/conquered solar systems. 
• All human and animal minds will erase the following: Jersey Shore, mayonnaise, that plastic surgery lady who looks like a lion (don't look!), rudeness, shoving, bunching, cooked raisins (ruiners), sneaky olives, brazen olives, fat olives, skinny olives, stuffed olives, goo, bickering, irresponsible jibber jabber, inappropriate volumes in small spaces as well as large spaces and in between spaces. Obviously this list will grow after my debriefing from Charles F. Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator.
• Horns will be deemed the galactic instruments of choice.   

Just in case you're still considering applying, let me remind you of the requirements:

Crew Selection

We are seeking participants for this study with qualifications similar to those required by NASA for their astronaut applicants, as follows: Required:

• Bachelor’s degree from an accredited institution, in engineering, biological or physical sciences, mathematics, or computer science.TRY TWO INSTITUTIONS, NASA! YEAH, BOTH SUPER DEGREES ARE IN LITERATURE BUT I'VE WATCHED A LOT OF LAW & ORDER AND DR. QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN AND FEEL TOTALLY SCIENTIFIC IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
• Professional experience (including graduate school) of at least three years beyond the bachelor’s degree SEE ABOVE
• Ability to pass a class 2 flight physical examination PLEASE. IS THIS NECESSARY?
• No history of upper airway surgery, rhinoplasty, chronic rhinitis or chronic sinusitis ALL ORIGINAL PARTS IN EXCELLENT ORDER.
• No other medical or psychological condition that would preclude participation in this study OTHERWORDLY SUPERHUMAN RIGHT HERE.
• Willingness and ability to eat a wide range of foods I WILL DETERMINE RANGE. I AM THE BOSS, NASA.
• Normal sense of taste and smell TASTE/SMELL MAKER.
• Tobacco-free for at least 24 months HYPNOTIZED FOR SUPERIORITY
• Demonstrated ability to conduct field research SEE PRIOR BLOG ENTRIES FOR SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS
• Strong interest in human space exploration WORLD DOMINATION COMPLETE, ON TO OTHER DOMAINS
• Fluency in verbal and written English SEE MULTIPLE DEGREES MENTIONED ABOVE
• Availability and willingness to take time to participate in the workshop and the two analogue missions I'M GETTING BORED WITH THIS LIST, NASA.

Anyway, there are a bunch of other "desirables" including the ability to lift shit, cook delicious foods, drive, and again, look good in a space suit. So let's get on the horn and do some space business, Charles F. Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator.