Important Things Are Happening

You may have heard I was recently laid off from that company that does the laying off of super people. Too bad for them. Their super quotient has just plummeted.

Since the laying off of the super people, I've been doing important things in my secret headquarters. Making lists of important things and crossing that shit off when each mission is accomplished. The guy in the picture above has it all wrong. Layoffs don't wreck lives. He obviously has no imagination. Layoffs make life FUN and SURPRISING and HAPPY and IMPORTANT.

Here's a peek into the very important, fun, surprising, and happy things that are currently underway in my top secret location. Take note, guy in picture.

IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPENING WHILST LAYED OFF FROM THE COMPANY THAT LAYED ME OFF

-- Remember that Ginsu Knife infommercial? Those super sharp knives could cut through steel and cardboard and tomatoes! Yeah, that's what my abs will be doing when I'm done working out all the time whilst unemployed. They will totally cut you just by looking at them. I'm also bringing back the half shirt in order to show off my rock-hard, Ginsu-knife-like abs.

-- Doesn't it seem like all unemployed people have pets? Yes, they do. I've already started work on opening my heart to the animals. Kittens! Kittens are cute and furry and independent. But the problem with kittens is they require food and health insurance. Considering I'm on the dole, these kittens are becoming a real albatross around my neck. I'm pretty positive Cobra doesn't cover kittens. But like I said, I'm opening my heart to the animals and have researched making paper maiche kittens or maybe even origami kittens. This is a very good idea! And it's green! Watch as my old resume transforms into a spry kitten! The big ideas never stop over here.

-- Street work is also on the agenda. I think the man needs to know what's happening so I'll be canvassing the subway entrances between 8 and 9 a.m. on the workdays to let the workers know what's what. I'll be the one pointing and yelling "COG" at the Metrocard holders. Feel free to join the ranks.

-- You know what's really great about being laid off? You can enjoy a delicious beverage pretty much anytime of day. With other laid off people. And believe me, there are a lot of them. Take yesterday for instance. I enjoyed not one, but two delicious beverages out in the sunshine with a whole community of non-workers. I will admit my company seemed unwashed and unkempt and I am 100% anti-unwashed. I can guarantee I will continue to shower at least once a week whilst unemployed and enjoying delicious beverages.

-- The time has come to embrace change. I'm looking into changing my name into something catchy and memorable and preferably one word. I've pretty much decided my new name will be INCORPORATED. Yeah, did you shudder just then? I know! It's genius. I think INCORPORATED will leave an indelible impression on folks.

-- Lastly, world domination. With all this free time, this seems like a natural hobby for me to take on more seriously. I admit I was getting kind of lazy in the world domination arena. Sure, I let Kim Jong-il have his fun this summer but now I'm ready to rule in a full-time awesome capacity. Don't make me come over there, Kimmy.


Yeah, that's how it's gonna be around here now. Delicious beverages, world domination, paper maiche kittens, rock-hard abs. Shit. Why didn't I get laid off sooner?

Word.