Introducing Heimlich, plus observations from vacation-like places

I've been away, to far-off and distant islands. This was not vacation but rather field research. In and among the unwashed masses, observing, making important discoveries, getting disgusted with aforementioned unwashed masses, and generally being awesome while doing all of the above.

I should mention I have a new employee.

Meet Heimlich, my German henchman. He's really great. Heimlich likes not-too-long walks on the beach, The Sound of Music, turtlenecks, not sweating, and murder. Not necessarily in that order.

Heimlich's role was to keep me out of trouble and for the most part, success! Off the clock, I took Heimlich to the lighthouse but he got that crazy murderous look in his eye so we had to hightail it out of there before Heimlich ripped his shirt off and started busting heads with his muscles in an angry German henchman kind of way. Heimlich is prone to murder. He is also prone to spontaneous musical interludes. He's a real The Sound of Music buff. Funny, I know. A regular Captain Von Trapp with his Costco winter coat and sewed-on gold buttons and accapella bursts of sweet love songs. Heimlich is a complicated creature.

Whatever you do, do not give Heimlich a tomato. He was once in a band called COUNTER TOMATO. Let's just say it went rotten quickly. He may or may not be on the run as a result of that incident with tomatoes and bands called COUNTER TOMATO. He also may or may not have been portrayed in a recent episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent.

Anyway, Heimlich took many notes for me. Most of them were about murder (Pay attention, Heimlich!) but I managed to find some of my genius in between his hangman drawings. Here are some important takeaways.

THINGS OBSERVED WHILST NOT ON VACATION BUT RATHER OBSERVING THE UNWASHED MASSES WHILE THEY VACATION AND GENERALLY LIE ABOUT DOING AND CONTRIBUTING NOTHING

-- You can't take the corn out of corn chips.

-- Traffic reports are very meta: "On the turnpike, everyone is where they should be."

-- Oysters are juicy. Bagels are juicy. Shrimp are also juicy. "Juicy" is a wonderful adjective that should be used only by me. Sweatpants that say juicy across the rearus endus are ridiculous and I reject them.

-- Long drives down beach roads at 25 mph in super cars that should only be driven at 125 mph are very frustrating.

-- Unwashed masses bunching around landmarks that really aren't landmarks can evoke rage in henchmen.

-- Just because you went to the beach and smell like beach doesn't mean you smell good or clean.

-- I am too super tan and toned for the beach. Seeing my super tan, Ginsu-knife abs makes the regular beach people feel badly about themselves.

-- If you need to diffuse a particularly tense climactic moment of great romantic consequence, try belching very loudly. Works 80% of the time, every time.

Are you still reading this? Why don't you get your own work-study program? I'm tired of you. Always take-take-take with you. It's like talking to a dog. (Boom!)

You're welcome.