You know how fuzzy your tummy feels when you open the mailbox to see it crammed full of cards addressed to YOU? That's what the holidays are for really. Fuzzy tummies and mail.
You can't go wrong with an actual Xmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah/New Year's card. The kind you buy at a stationery store in a box with matching envelopes. The kind that require you know the physical locations of all its recipients. The kind that require postage, from the post office.
This may all seem like nonessential tedium to you. You're wrong, as usual First of all, acquiring the physical location of your so-called friends can never be underestimated as a clear advantage. When these so-called best buds turn on you -- and they will, my little fawn -- you'll know exactly where to send the Edible Arrangement. You know what I mean. If by chance, these turncoats haven't shown their true colors yet, what says "you're super only because of your close proximity to me" more than a Xmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah/New Year's card.
Next. Common courtesy dictates that you return the favor when your "loved ones" send you a card. And yet, it's so surprising when you take a tally at the end of the holidays of the number of cards you sent compared to the number received. Appalling is what it is.
"Oh, I've been so busy stuffing my face with all the free chocolates/cookies/free shit at work that I didn't send out cards this year."
"I must have sent your card to that old address. Sorry."
"I'm on the dole, man."
"I reject the post office and its nefarious practices."
"I'm an atheist."
"Dewd, I haven't used a pen since the '80s."
If you've run into any of these excuses, feel free to stab that person in the thigh. It's just unacceptable. I demand that my box be full on this Xmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah/New Year's with your heartfelt greetings for me.
Are you going to be a jerk in 2010 too?
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