Cautionary emails for single women

Shit, girl, don't move to New York if you want to not be single. If you want to be single, fuck it and move here and have the time of your life.

I have no opinion either way.

But I've collected some evidence over the years on why there are so many single women in New York. It's due in part to the epidemic known as online dating. It's a disease so insidious that I dare not speak its name, but I already have so if you're reading this and you're single, you're doubly doomed.

Anthropological study commences here. From the archives: Real, unedited pickup lines from the online dating field. This shit is so good I can't even make it up.

WHY SINGLE WOMEN OUTNUMBER MEN IN NEW YORK. A LIST. 
(Actual email messages received, some excerpted to protect the innocent and ridiculous.)

-- "What shade of color is your hair?" 

This was the entire message. Way to start strong.

-- "I am attracted to your high pain threshold. I found your profile by searching for the word, 'strangle.'"

How jealous are you, married people?

-- "Hello"

Man of few words.

--"heythere!"

Two words now one. This guy is into efficiencies.

-- "You've got a really interesting face...Michelle Pfeiffer meets Bjork."

Thanks?

-- "hey sexy, you single? men around blind or dumb? you sure you 39 you looking younger, hot sexy, like a 26 yr old Victorias super model, how old you? you so hot, sexy, curvy, sorry can't help but notice curves, i work for Victoria secrets."

My pictures were all head shots. A+ for imagination though.

-- "Would u say u can/may dominant a man full dominations?"

Please try Google Translate again.

-- "do you want a part time houseboy? I would come clean your apt for you, give you foot/back massages, and do as you say in private. I would come once a week or every other week for a few hours depending on when you want me there."

Now we're talking. If I wasn't convinced you'd murder me in my apartment and then thoroughly power clean all evidence of said killing, we'd be in business. What a pity.

-- "Thoughts on younger men??"

Shit, kid, I have plenty. Can you be more specific?

-- "...now I'll sound like every idiot writing you -- the most beautiful woman, not only on here, but anywhere. Yep."

Before you get all melty, consider that this email was preceded by six paragraphs of resume braggadocio which fully negated the impact or believability of this compliment.


You know when the President says something totally cheesy after a tragedy like "I"m going to hug my wife and kids tighter tonight"? Consider this your tragedy, jealous married people and single women considering moving to New York. . . unless of course you have an excellent sense of humor, are into anthropology... and need a houseboy.