My Sexy 12-Step Program: Abridged

I was consulting some old Smoove The Love Man posts recently (Educate yourself here: http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/smoove)

Smoove is a real hero of mine, as much as anyone can be more heroic than myself. He lives in Cincinnati! Exciting! And sexy!

And he manages to squeeze in time from his very sexy agenda to dispense love communication fundamentals in silky tones and silky attire at the very reliable Learning Annex.

Anyway, Smoove makes mention of his sexy 12-step program which got me thinking of my own 12-step program, except mine is much shorter because I'm an incredibly fast learner and pick up skills like a ninja.

I thought "Wow, my shorter than 12-step program is really sexy and I should totally share it with the world."

I thought better of that though. You can't just give it away for free. But I'm feeling a little generous so I'll give you a totally sexy peek into my sexy world and maybe throw in a sexy step here and there. I feel for you after all.

MY UNOFFICIAL SEXY 12-STEP PROGRAM: ABRIDGED PLUS SOME OTHER SEXY TIPS

-- Unsexy: ponies; post-it notes; pickles (naturally); vomiting of any kind, shape, or form (even if projectile); a medicine cabinet full of medicines for all of your unsavory and unsexy ailments; barber shop quartets, quarters (so bulky), rainbows; Scrabble; and of course white sweatpants.

-- Definitely sexy: beards (duh); bedazzled anything; inventions and those who invent them; pennies; Abraham Lincoln; scrambled eggs; HORNS; showers (clean = sexy time); Boggle; my taste in music, art, film, and literature (duh squared); on-demand a capella; Nina Simone's "I want some sugar in my bowl." (period, the end.)

-- How to Feel Sexy Every Time: Find someone who embodies the Unsexy items above. Stand next to them.

-- How to Make It Sexy Time With Your Partner Who May or May Not Be As Sexy As You: Say something sexy like "Girl/Boy, I'm thinking that since I'm infinitely sexier than you, you should really treasure this moment in my very precious but infinite sexy time to really go to town on me. Do it. Now." Another option is to steal directly from Craig’s List Personals. If that’s not a treasure trove of sexual feeling for you moderately sexy people, then I don’t know what other recourse you mediocre sexy people have.

-- How to (Un)Dress for Success: What you’re wearing before, during, and after the sexual business at hand cannot be taken lightly. I suggest sexy materials like Velcro, those little snappy buttons that are really snaps on cowboy shirts, hospital gowns, unitards or anything uni, maybe a pair of Clarks and nothing else (me-ow).

Also important in the (Un)Dress for Success is how you remove said sexy items. I’d suggest maybe practicing a horn solo to accompany your state of slow and sexy undress. Either that, or some good old-fashioned, set-the-mood phrases like “yeah girl/boy,” “oh yes, I did,” “grrrr,” with an occasional grunt to mix it up sexy like. Works every time.

-- How to Position Yourself in the Best Possible Sexual Position: Don’t try to reinvent the sexual wheel here. You have sexy limitations and we all know it. If there are mirrors in the room, make sure your partner cannot see how totally unsexy they look right now, especially when they make that face that they think is outrageously sexy but is really akin to ponies in white sweatpants playing Scrabble.

Another good tip is to position yourself close to the nearest exit just in case your partner gets that crazy unsatisfied look and you need to run for your life. This is also good if aforementioned partner forgets to inform you that their equally batshit crazy significant other just got back into town and hasn’t relinquished his/her keys. You can still look sexy making a fast getaway!


Wow, I'm blowing my totally sexual mind with all this free advice. You're well on your way to being 10% sexy, which is about a 100% gain. I'd suggest printing the shit out of this entry and keeping it folded in your pocket at all times.

You are very welcome, somewhat sexy people.