You are wrong and will admit it.

Hello. I've been busy doing top secret stuff for several months so pardon the absence. My return has been heralded by an attack, nay an affront, to my keen sense of fashion. As we all know, I not only have my fingers on the pulse but I am the pulse of all things fashionable. So this particular assault was completely ungrounded, and one might say ludicrous. My attacker will rue the day.

So let's begin.

IN DEFENSE OF THE GREATEST SHOE OF ALL TIME
Yes, our defense is of the Clarks pictured above. This particular stalwart of fashion is known as the Wallabee. (Sidenote: my assailant claims to be of Australian descent and yet attacks a shoe named after a relative of the kangaroo. Self-loathing, much?)

Ahem. Clarks are a long-established English export, dating back to 1825. I know this because I am an excellent detective and read the Clarks timeline. If you are unfamiliar with Clarks, perhaps you grew up in a burrow somewhere burrowish and that is very sad for you.

Prepare for educational download. Aforementioned Clarks history begins thus:

It began with a flash of inspiration.

Well, in fact, every day I too begin with a flash of inspiration!

It was the very first Clarks shoe and the opening chapter in a remarkable story that continues to unfold to this day. In the decades that have passed since the young Mr. Clark’s eureka moment our shoes have seen social, political and economic revolution. They’ve seen fashions in footwear come and go, and come again – everything from court shoes and winklepickers to wedge heels, sandals and sneakers. They’ve tapped to the beat of crooners, rockers, Britpoppers and hip hoppers. They’ve walked, marched, strode and sashayed through an ever-changing world.

What have your shoes done lately? Mine have weathered unrest and winklepickers! They've sashayed for Christ's sake.

I will admit that Clarks are not for everyone. You have to be of my supreme awesomeness in order to carry the weight of their history. Few can handle the pressure. But they are not in fact ugly. Non! They are a testament to industriousness and as their site says "chosen by those seeking authenticity and individuality. . . a timeless classic loved by millions."

Match point, set, game.

You cannot argue with me. Why would you even try? Resistance is futile. I will debate the pants off you and if you're lucky, your ridiculous, unoriginal shoes as well.

So viva la revolucion, Clarks! I embrace my suede upper and moccassin-like construction. I crush naysayers like bug under my thick rubber sole.

As I am an original, it's only fitting my footwear follow suit.

Formal apologies will be considered by the committee of me in due course and in order of receipt.

You're welcome.