You know how one day you're the handsomest person ever to walk the crummy planet and the next day you have a shiner? Yes, I know you have no idea about the former but imagine.
The rumors are true. I am in fact sporting a black eye and what now appears to be a green forehead. But really, if anyone can carry this off and still look this good, it's me.
To set the record straight, here is what happened.
On my usual canvass of the neighborhood, patrolling for unruly unwashed masses bunching around tree stumps, drinking moonshine and generally rabble rousing of a nature of which I reject, I was ambushed. Heimlich was picking daisies for a floral arrangement he's been working on so he didn't see the villain approach. It was a sneak attack of the sneakiest kind. The ground opened up in front of me and before I knew it, I was face forward. My precious blood was spilled. Heimlich was horrified and vomited on the spot. (He's very sensitive, as well as evil.)
That's really all I remember. The first night was rough as I moved in and out of THE RAGE. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw that ground and my perfectly contoured face meeting it.
The pain that followed was indescribable. I feared for my very large and powerful brain. Luckily my crack team of medical experts helicoptered me immediately to the top secret medical facility which I will not name, for testing. After CAT scans of my very large and powerful brain, it was concluded that my head was in fact too hard to penetrate and my very large and powerful brain was in tact. This was good news all around. I can assure you I would have continued world domination even with a brain injury.
Which brings me to today. Four days since my attack, I can report that I am nearly pain free, save for blowing my nose which is exceptionally excruciating and disappointing since it's one of my favorite activities. Fear not, my attacker will pay for this brazen act of insubordination. In due time. When you least expect it, ground, you will pay.
Never underestimate THE RAGE.
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