Pain in my assets

My last entry was on my best asset: my powerful brain. The following will cover my second best asset: my awesome ass.

How can you describe a rear of such import? One doctor commented, "You're pretty bony back there." followed by "not much meat." Don't be fooled though. I have just enough pounds of flesh and not an ounce more.

Why bother with all this detail? Well normally, I reserve the viewing of my ass for a highly select few. Unlike Chinese tots whose pants have cutouts in the seat so they may poop at will (See image.), I cover my backside with normal pants.

Yes, the above is disturbing. Try to keep it together. 

Anyway, I've been having pain in my lower back and down my very attractive left leg. Self-diagnosis revealed my spine was unhappy with the recent uptick in activity. Fuck you, spine. Who told you to disobey the powerful brain? Self-diagnosis also revealed I may have pinched a nerve. Whatever. Shut up, body. 

So I went to the doctor several times to address the pain. On a whim, I decided to get an epidural yesterday. (Cross that off the bucket list! And, I didn't even have to shoot out a kid.) 

Yeah, you read that right, epidural. This is the momma of all needles and injections. Pregnant women get it because they're champions of pain and can pretty much handle anything pre-birthing. Well, I've proved myself just as strong (surprise, surprise.)

Let me set the scene. Young, bearded, attractive physician assistant (PA) and whatever middle-age doctor prepare the injection. I lay down on my stomach with a gown open in the back. 

My interior monologue: "Oh, you're going to pull down my underwear now? Great. Oh yeah, thanks for that sheet around my upper legs -- it really does the trick."

PA now begins to prepare the injection site, for all intents and purposes, my ass, with iodine. 

Interior monologue: "Hi, my name is Shiny Penny. I usually don't show my assets to people I've only known for 15 minutes so please consider this a rare gift. You're welcome."

Doctor inserts first needle to numb the area. Why does the numbing needle hurt exactly? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Way to go, science. 

Now comes the big one. I didn't catch a glimpse of this 18 foot needle which was inserted directly into my spine at the tip. I can tell you that it hurt as much as I thought it would. During said injection,

Doctor: "You okay?"
Me: "Sure. Dynamite. Never been better. Can't imagine anywhere I'd rather be."
Doctor: "So, what do you do for a living?"

Really? We're going to have small talk around my bare butt?

Me: "I'm conquering the world."
PA: "I have a buddy who does that too."

Whatever. Losing points PA.

Doctor: "We could use someone like that here. No one's creative enough."
Me: Silence. 

This lasted all of 10 minutes but it felt like an eternity. My upper legs and butt were numb for a good hour, which is really strange and not as awesome as you'd think. 

We'll see what wonders unfold 24 hours post epidural. I'll be flying by the seat of my pants on the follow-up course of action but I'll be sure to keep you posted on the backend.