Thoughts on fitness

I hate running. I hate aerobics. I hate spinning, zumba, and whatever else ladies do in gyms these days. I hate the gym. I pretty much hate team sports too. I hate all of these almost as much as I hate drowning, which I fear will be my untimely end. Which leads me to why I can't swim. Can't swim because don't want to swim because I will die swimming — or not swimming as the case may be.

All of this is not to say that I don't partake in fitness and am not super fit. Because I am. SUPER FIT. Ask anyone what comes to mind when the word "fitness" is dropped in conversation and 9 times out of 10, it will be the image of me.

Back to drowning.

I can pinpoint the experience which led to my fear of drowning and death by drowning. My dad brought me into the raging ocean waves as a kid and I got knocked down hard.

A kid with glasses went into the ocean and got knocked down hard by some waves. Seems like an everyday occurrence. But my dad made me stay in the water. Not because he's a cruel master but most likely because he thought I could shake it off.

But listen, parents, kids with glasses don't want to go in the water and they probably hate the beach. We can't see shit without those things so not wearing them is not an option. Kids with glasses are wearing their glasses on the beach and usually in the water. Like a bunch of dorks. 

Maybe it was the humiliation of being that kid in the water getting knocked down by some fucking wave OR maybe, just maybe, it was the powerful combination of getting knocked down and not being able to see the prospect of getting knocked down because my glasses were covered in ocean.

Screw you, ocean.

Anyway, the CDC reported that between 2005–2009 there were an average of 3,533 fatal unintentional drownings (non-boating related) annually in the U.S. That's 10 deaths by drowning per day.

Now don't ask me what a non-fatal drowning looks like. Pretty gruesome I'd guess. All that bloating!

And don't ask me what the fuck the CDC has been doing for the last four years. Really falling down on the drowns is my guess.

I should feel reassured that those at the greatest risk for drowning are the following:

1. Men
That's right, nearly 80% of all fatal drownings are men. I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief. Too bad for you, dewds.

2. Kids
Squirts between 1 and 4 have the highest drowning rates among all kids. Thank God, I dodged that bullet.

3. Minorities
African-American kids drown at a rate 3x higher than white kids. Pretty racist, CDC.

The CDC goes on to list some factors that influence drowning risk. It's pretty much the worst list ever created, in terms of entertainment value and therefore usefulness. I do feel it necessary to point out the following paragraph:

What has research found?

• Swimming skills help. 

Way to go, CDC. It's comforting to know this top-ranked government agency really asks the hard questions when conducting life-saving research. I'd also like to point out that the CDC's tag line is:

CDC 24/7: Saving Lives. Protecting People.

I reject this tag line. What about those 3,500+ people who drowned a couple years ago? What about the people drowning RIGHT NOW?

I don't really care about those people.

I don't wear glasses anymore. I still can't swim well enough to save my life from a fatal, unintentional drowning. But I'm determined to get on the beach this year and in the ocean. . . and push some kid with glasses down hard. "I saved your life, rugrat. You're welcome."