The great thing about HIVES

The great thing about hives is nothing. Hives are bullshit. Doesn't everyone know that?

But look, if you're going to go through with hives, then commit to it. See those tiny red assholes through to the bitter, itchy end.

Frankly, I think hives could become the next big trend if enough people get onboard. Where are you, early adopters and influencers?

Imagine Bill Cunningham on his intrepid bicycle, combing the streets of New York for all manner of hives' incarnations.

Hives in fur!

Hives in culottes!

Hives in houndstooth!

Hives on hives! (Well done, sir. Well done.) 

Soon people will be going all black market to get their hives on. Bigger, more badass, more hives, please. The more intensely painful, long-lasting, pronounced, the better. Some lunchbox will inevitably tattoo a limb or torso or neck with hives. This is your future.

Before you tsk tsk or dismiss hives altogether with your judgy judgment, consider the upside of hives as I've layed them out here in this handy SANCTIONED LIST OF WHAT HIVES CAN DO FOR YOU IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY.

WHAT HIVES CAN DO FOR YOU IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, A LIST

• If you miss that sweet sting of your first summer sunburn, get hives now. You can scratch your way to glorious hot hives in seconds.
  
  
• If you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and crave the warm warm sunshine, eat some corrupt shellfish. Preferably right off the truck and raw. Hives will ensue.
  
  
• If, on the other hand, you're one of those night crawlers inflicted with Xeroderma pigmentosum (allergic to sunshine basically), simulate the sunshine burning your face by picking up some hives and putting down the blackout shades.
  
  
• If you're a skinny bitch with a secret big person on the inside and have always wondered what your face would look like a bit fuller, rub said face in some bee stings. You'll be puffed and blotchy in no time. And, watch as those wrinkles disappear before your swollen, half-closed lids!
  
  
• If you have difficulty standing out in crowds and your friends are always texting "Where the hell are you?", hives can not only solve that social strait but also add significantly to your confidence and presence. (Hives are also great at clearing space on the dance floor.)
  
  
• If you enjoy very much a side of garage with your plate of punk, all the way from Sweden, then sink your skin into The Hives' only hit: 
  
  
• If you just don't have anything better to do today, or for the next six weeks, raid that medicine cabinet and let the mixology begin. Hives on the rocks or straight up, friend?

Not as abysmal as you thought, right? Hives have real potential to shake up your static life and lead to important self discovery. Hives may save the world. Imagine UN peace teams bonding with rebels, dictators, freedom fighters over the size, location, and scarring potential of hives. Feel the enemy's pain, to its deepest levels. We're not so different, at least when it comes to uncomfortable skin conditions. Hives forever, papi.