On this eve of independence

Independence is a tricky thing. Yeah, we're all free to be you and me but sometimes I think curbing your freedom, not mine, might be best. True you are free to let it all hang out and say whatever you damn well please -- thanks be to America. But I wonder what our forefathers would have thought of this here present day. Mr. ten-dollar bill and his facelift included. Freedom is real nice -- don't get me twisted. But perhaps we've lost the true meaning of Independence Day.

In the spirit of freedom and firecrackers and cold delicious 40s and Mel Gibson as William Wallace in the totally awesome movie Braveheart which is about freedom just not American freedom, I submit the following list of THINGS OUR FOREFATHERS WOULD HAVE FROWNED UPON IN THE FACE OF FREEDOM.

THINGS OUR FOREFATHERS WOULD HAVE FROWNED UPON IN THE FACE OF FREEDOM

-- Journey touring with anyone other than Steve Perry

-- The Cars touring with anyone other than Ric Okacek

-- Queen touring with anyone other than Freddie Mercury, unless of course that someone was Corn Mo 'cause that would be kinda cool

-- The DaVinci Code: book, movie, and website and anyone who quotes any of the aforementioned in any circumstance whatsoever

-- Pickles

-- Ferrets as house pets; pigs as house pets; alligators as house pets and the like

-- Anna Nicole Smith's video blog and anyone who pays $4.99 for Anna Nicole Smith's video blog

-- Bad pickup lines used in public under the guise of being good pickup lines used in public

-- The public

-- The affiliation of "save the penny" and Keven Federline

-- The fact that I know who Keven Federline is

-- The 1"x6" white strip the USPS insists on pasting on top of the front of postcards whereby obscuring the lovely picture on the front of the postcard and just generally annoying me

-- Postal regulations

-- Inflammatory remarks about cheese


These are just some of the things I think our forefathers would seriously frown upon on this eve of independence. It's something worthwhile to think about before you set off your homemade firecrackers and suckle that last drop of Pabst and nod off to sleep to another day of totally awesome freedom that you probably don't deserve because you don't hold doors open for old ladies or give your seat up for pregnant women on the subway or forget to wipe your exercise machine down or cut people off in line at the market or whatever jerk-like thing you will most likely do on July 5.