I am the future. And the future rejects Twitter.

I don’t understand the Twitter. Yeah, I have an account and I’ve spent a solid week trying to unearth its appeal, usefulness, or really any redeeming quality.

What’s with the character limit? You are not the boss of my characters, Twictators!

What’s with all the following? Why can’t you people add some value instead of always sucking the lifeblood out of me? “What I’m doing” is highly confidential and not open for public forums, let alone debate. I refuse to be compromised by your perverse voyeurism.

Have you even read their Terms of Service? Apparently Twitter rejects those under the age of 13. I take issue with this. On rare occasions, those under the age of 13, particularly those around the ages of 2–4 say some truly funny shit that should be captured in a short-character forum like the Twitter. I will fight for the rights of this voiceless minority.

Therefore, as a result of my intensive research, I reject Twitter. I also reject its make-believe language:

-- tweet
-- Twitterati
-- Tweeters/tweeps
-- Twitterverse
-- Egotwistical
-- Puntwit
-- TwOOb

Et cetera. There’s even a Twictionary.

I feel sick.

It’s not often that the unwashed masses side against my very high-minded, super-informed opinion. But that seemed the case with the Twitter. Marketing wonks practically cream about Twitter, as do a bunch of celebrities and sports-type people. The more I heard about Twitter, the firmer my conviction that the great majority of Twitter is for the illiterate, attention-deficit, self-absorbed idiots (nay Twidiots) of the InterWeb. But why do so many people do the Twitter??? I cannot get my super intelligent head around it.

And then this came into my top secret inbox:

Despite the fact that 99% of Generation Y consumers (ages 18-24) report having an active profile on at least one online social networking site, only 22% of this same age group say they currently use Twitter, according to a study from the Participatory Marketing Network (PMN).

So there’s hope for the youth. Well, at least for 77% of you unwashed youthful masses.

I do like that tiny bird on a branch. The Twitter bird on a branch can stay. I am extremely benevolent to small creatures. I’d also like to extend some leniency to the folks behind the Twitter. After reading the About Us, FAQs, and Support, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Twitter employs emphatics and you know how I feel about emphatics. They are super excited about almost everything and so I cannot reject their enthusiasm and free-love-like use of the exclamation point, no matter how much I’d like to.

Wow, that was really generous of me.

To sum up, the bird can stay. The emphatics are pardoned. 22% of you are a total lost cause. I am still the future and the future which is me is awesome. And you are welcome.