I like to be on top.

It’s come to my attention that the FTC (a.k.a. Federal Trade Commission) wants to be all up in my blogging business with their “regulations,” trying to “legislate” my ethics, and shit.

Listen here, FTC, I will not be controlled or limited or otherwise inconvenienced by the Man. You can’t hold me down with your big government thumb. I like to be on top, and damn it son, I will be on top.

So I’m writing a letter (in my mind) to the FTC to discuss these regulations that were apparently debated and passed without my consultation. Rude.

The FTC’s main beef is with bloggers who accept freebies from advertisers and then write positive reviews of aforementioned freebies. You know, ‘cuz word of mouth is super powerful among the unwashed masses. The FTC claim they want to protect consumers.

From what? Protect consumers from their own whoring, thieving, cheating, backstabbing, lying, otherwise crummy lives? Why?

Hey Mister FTC, that’s the American Dream. To whore, thieve, cheat, backstab, lie, and otherwise lead a 100% crummy life—for free! I’m pretty sure it’s like Article 1 in the Constitution. Yay, America.

As for those bloggers on the dole, that’s too bad. Too bad you’re too unoriginal to write anything original or unbiased or uninfluenced. How sad for you. Everyone wants to be a writer, and that too is the American Dream. For free! But Mister FTC says you can remain on the dole but you just have to admit that you’re on the dole whereby also admitting that you are an unoriginal cog, nay meatball, whoring for the Advertising Man. I hate to slander the meatball which in 99% of cases is delicious but in this case is a whore.

Rest assured, I cannot be bought by anyone. I influence for free! I am only an ambassador for myself and my opinions which are far superior to yourself and your opinions. I exercise my judgment upon you freely and without agenda. If I so choose, I will freely misguide you, if only for my own amusement. The Truth is out there but I take no responsibility for leading you there. Take some initiative for once and find it yourself.

I’m over the FTC. You are not the boss of me, mister. You might be able to crush the dreams and hopes of the common people, but not me. Not. Me.

This concludes our unpaid conversation, brought to you by me as the sole sponsor of me and all things me related.