My soul is black.

This was the accusation leveled at me today after I casually mentioned I hate Halloween. Not very PC, eh? No. It is not. We have feelings over here too. We don’t believe our soul to be black. Or any other color for that matter. We don’t even believe we have a soul; although we do have rhythm (see previous dancing posts).

So what if I hate Halloween? What are you going to do about it, punk? Hey look, some people are really good at the dressing up part and the spooky decorating and the hoarding of delicious candy. I remember fondly filling up my pillowcase after begging around the block for some treats or else. It really is the only time kids are allowed to threaten adults with bodily harm unless they fork over some sugar. And that’s pretty sweet if you’re a kid.

Currently, if I desire candy, I buy it. I no longer have to beg or dress up for my candy so where’s the benefit of Halloween? People don’t TP trees in New York and I’m pretty sure no one eggs around this town either. L A M E. See, there’s no joy left in this holiday. And I’ve seen kids trick or treat in Rite-Aid and the deli. That’s just weird and wrong. “Buzz off, kid, I’m buying beer and smokes.” Is that what you want your tiny Spiderman exposed to?

I do laugh at a good costume. I am not heartless. Kids pretty much look high-larious in anything, especially if it’s vegetable related. I’d love to see a kid dressed as a giant T-bone steak. God, that would be awesome.

Adults dressed up don’t do that much for me. I took a spin through the local Ricky’s to see what manner of costumes were available. There were a preponderance of slutty costumes for women: slutty nurse, slutty nun, slutty pirate woman, slutty slut, slutty gangster, sluttly slut in negligee, slutty cheerleader, slutty dominatrix, slutty construction worker woman, slutty nerd, slutty girl dressed as ape. A lot of ladies take advantage of Halloween to really whore it up and more power to you. But why not just dress that way year-round? What’s stopping you, cowards?

Halloween used to be about dead people and spirits and black cats and superstitions and cool Celtic stuff. But America botched it all up. Now it’s about boobs and booze, like every other day of the year. Stupid America. Bunch of ruiners.

In conclusion, Halloween may have once been cool but now it’s corrupt and vile and bankrupt. This is not only the way I feel but the way you feel as well deep down, if you weren’t still trying to stuff yourself into your slutty turnip costume.