She's got legs.

Remember that ZZTop song?

She's got legs. She knows how to use them.

Seems so innocent. But I'm sure the legless would beg to differ. I'm like Switzerland on this particular issue as I currently have too many opinions out in the ether.

However, I thought of this classic song today on my commute to my other top secret headquarters. There are two people I see every day on the train: short, well-dressed Asian man and blonde woman with short skirts.

The Asian man will have to wait for another day.

Blonde woman. I have only ever seen her from behind. Usually ascending stairs. She often wears short white skirts, black panty hose, and high heels. I have never seen her deviate from this costume. Today it made me wonder.

Doesn't she get hot in those panty hose? How many pairs of panty hose can she possibly own? Does she rinse out the same pair every night? Why doesn't she have any runs? Is she some kind of service worker? What's lurking underneath her panty hose? Are her legs real?

I thought about these questions for an intense five seconds. When I got to work, I happened upon an article in the New York Times called "Sweatology." I think from the -ology that sweating is a science. Rad.

This article explained that most people have 2 million sweat glands; oversweaters have 4 million. If we didn't have sweat glands, we'd be covered in apelike hair.

This is what I have concluded: panty hose lady is hairy. And possibly apelike. She is dangerous. I am sure of it. Stay away from her.

I don't think it's any coincidence that ZZTop were also hairy and I thought of this song when faced with this woman's legs.

I am like a detective. Only better.

You're welcome.